(3) - It’s Not You, It’s Me

He sat me down on the sofa last night Said “we need to talk” and turned off the light I thought “here we go, he’s finally grown a pair” Then he hit me with the line that everyone fears “It’s not you, it’s me” — yeah, that old chestnut I’ve heard it before, I know how this one goes, pet He said I’m amazing, he said I’m the best But he “needs to work on himself” and all the rest I nodded along like a good little girl Even gave him a hug while my brain started to swirl I got in the cab thinking “fair enough, he’s being mature” Then halfway home I thought… hang on, what the fuck was that for? I got home, made a cup of tea, sat on the bed And the more I thought about it, the more it fucked with my head [chorus | catchy, cheeky, pissed off | full band energy | high energy] “It’s not you, it’s me” — what a load of old shit I’ve been shagging this prick for months and now this? I’ve put up with his nonsense, I’ve ignored all the red flags And he hits me with that line like I’m some kind of slag? Nah, fuck that — I’m going round there tonight I want the real reason, I want him to look me in the eye So I rocked up at his flat, still in my going-out clothes Banged on the door like “oi, we need to have a chat, let’s go” He opens the door looking confused and a bit scared I pushed past him and said “sit down, this won’t take long, I swear” I said “cut the crap with the ‘it’s not you’ routine I’m not stupid, I’ve seen this film before on the screen So tell me the truth, I can take it, I’m a big girl What’s the actual reason you’re giving me the swerve?” He looked at the floor, then he looked at the wall Then he mumbled something I could barely hear at all I said “louder, come on, I didn’t catch that bit” And that’s when he said it… and I wanted to fucking quit He said “alright… you’re actually quite crap in bed” I just sat there like “…what the fuck did you just say instead?” All this time I thought I was the shallow one staying for dick Turns out I’ve been shagging like a dead fish this whole fucking trip He said the blowjobs are mid and the riding’s all wrong And I just lie there like I’m waiting for a bus that takes too long I wanted the truth and I got it, fair play Now I’m sat on his sofa not knowing what to say Yeah… Turns out I’m shit in bed Who knew? I was so busy being shallow about his cock I didn’t realise I was the one who was a flop Fucking hell…