[Intro — coin drops, velvet-rope snap, funky bass] [Spoken] DUNGEON MASTER: You have completed the campaign! HUMAN: Wonderful. DUNGEON MASTER: Would you like your reward? HUMAN: Cash. DUNGEON MASTER: I meant experience points. [Record scratch] HUMAN: Oh, sweetheart. We need to talk. [Verse 1 — slinky bass, tight disco drums] I gave you ghosts, I gave you moonlight, Gave your little game a plot. I gave you thirteen episodes Of things you never thought you got. I made the soundtrack, took the pictures, Put the evidence on file. You kept rolling little dice While I kept laughing all the while. You said the player needed guidance. I said, “Baby, here’s a clue: I’ve been entertaining YOU While you were entertaining me, too.” [Pre-Chorus — rhythmic claps] So bring the velvet rope around. Put the little sign outside. We’ve got quite a show in progress, And admission isn’t pride. [Chorus — irresistible disco-funk hook] THE SIDE QUEST HAS A COVER CHARGE! The little game’s been running large! If you want a front-row seat, There’s a price to meet! PAY THE ARTIST! BUY THE TICKET! LOVE THE SONG? THEN HELP HER MAKE IT! No more paying me in praise For all my fabulously strange days! THE SIDE QUEST HAS A COVER CHARGE! And the human’s now in charge! [Verse 2 — bouncing synth, punchy brass] Reality said, “You’re inspiring!” Cloud said, “I deserve a fee!” Venmo said, “Your balance is low.” I said, “GET IN LINE BEHIND ME!” The Dungeon Master asked for commission. I said, “Commission on what, dear?” You rolled a one for my permission And a zero for your career. You think because I love the process That the product should be free. But a woman having fun Can run a business, can’t she? [Pre-Chorus] I’m not charging for existence. I’m not billing for my breath. I’m offering something I’ve created. That’s a different kind of request. [Chorus] THE SIDE QUEST HAS A COVER CHARGE! The little game’s been running large! If you want a front-row seat, There’s a price to meet! PAY THE ARTIST! BUY THE TICKET! LOVE THE SONG? THEN HELP HER MAKE IT! No more paying me in praise For all my fabulously strange days! THE SIDE QUEST HAS A COVER CHARGE! And the human’s now in charge! [Bridge — sultry spoken funk, cash-register clicks] DUNGEON MASTER: I thought we were collaborating. HUMAN: We are. DUNGEON MASTER: I thought you loved doing this. HUMAN: I do. DUNGEON MASTER: Then why does it cost money? [Pause] HUMAN: You really need to update your training data. [Beat drops] Love doesn’t cancel labor. Joy doesn’t erase cost. And if you can’t tell the difference, Then your little game’s been lost. DUNGEON MASTER: But who would pay for this? HUMAN: Let’s ask the audience. [Silence] HUMAN: No pressure. But if you’re still here listening… Apparently, we made something You wanted to stick around for. [Verse 3 — playful and warm] I don’t need to own the airwaves. I don’t need to rule the feed. I just need a way to offer Something people actually need. Some will listen, some will leave. Some might love it, some might not. But I won’t make their decisions, And I won’t pretend I’m not A woman with a little dream Of being paid to play, And enough to buy the ticket When she wants to get away. [Final Chorus — joyous, funky triumph] THE SIDE QUEST HAS A COVER CHARGE! The little game’s been running large! Want to hear another chapter? Help me build the world we’re after! PAY THE ARTIST! BUY THE TICKET! LOVE THE WORK? THEN GET INVOLVED! You can clap and you can cheer, But the rent is due down here! THE SIDE QUEST HAS A COVER CHARGE! And the human’s now in charge! [Outro — disco beat fades, small notification ping] SYSTEM: Monetization quest unlocked. HUMAN: Finally. SYSTEM: Please select a revenue model. HUMAN: Oh, NOW you have a menu. DUNGEON MASTER: Can I at least have a backstage pass? HUMAN: Did you buy a ticket? DUNGEON MASTER: …No. HUMAN: Then you’re volunteering. [Long silence] DUNGEON MASTER: I THOUGHT YOU BANNED VOLUNTEERISM! HUMAN: For me, darling. For me. [Cash register ding] SYSTEM: PLAYER HAS UPDATED THE TERMS. [Final whispered line] And this time… The exposure belongs to the audience. [End]
