Life and Times of Jerry Fischmaker, Volume 1

Good evening folks! It's hot enough to melt an ice cube! That Michael Jackson had more moves than a frozen mammoth, I get texting. I even get texting while walking. What I don't get is, texting while eating a sandwhich. There's nothing that lights up a broom closet quite like a flashlight Wikipedia was a great idea, but I doubt I'll have time to finish reading it Clouds are like marshmallows. Or is it marshmallows are like clouds? Somebody straighten me out on this! Best thing about a heat wave is the money I save shining my sandals instead of my shoes My kids complain I'm inflexible. So I tried yoga -- turns out they're right! Canada - now there's a big place. Gotta wonder how they keep it shoveled. Amazing There's nothing quite like direct sunlight for drying up a puddle. Just sayin If God didn't want us to drink water at a range of stable temperatures -- why did he invent the Thermos? I'm like a piñata: Beat me with a stick and I spill my guts every time. Wheelchairs blow my mind. What's next, rollercouches? I haven't watched TV in a while. Boycotting until Arsenio marries Oprah like the Bible predicts. Imagine how much gold is in the Ocean. This is why I'm gonna marry a mermaid. They are LOADED. Tired of eating with a fork. I miss the old days when servants would fire bread into your mouth with a slingshot. What's brown and tastes awful? Answer: Unripened blueberries! If you could drown in smiles, I'd be the wettest man alive! Except I'd be dead. Makes you think. I can't keep up with technology. Especially claymation. Which one's Wallace and which was Grommit? Whoever invented solar power was on a roll that day. I just drank a beer. Guess I'm getting a divorce! Slugs are gross, lucky you can see em coming. Ever drink too much wine and suddenly you are PLAYING CHESS with the first guy to walk into Starbucks? We have been seeing far too many celebrity nipples in the news. Now excuse me while I go tickle a light-switch You say we need flying cars? I say we need more underground parking for airplanes. Since we're destroying all life on the planet anyway, can we move horseflies to the top of the list? my neck is all bloody. Just put honey on my broccoli for the first time #yolo Hmm, I just realized how many people there are. Hope they are ready to FILL MY POCKETS WITH GOLD! just sayin If I played the tuba, I would check inside it daily for raccoons. common sense precautions Why is there no emoticon for handshakes? The last time I drank blood out of a human skull, the 'skull' was a mug and the blood was 'coffee' Hashtag Vampire Analogies. I LOVE old people. Their skin is so loose. Which is handy when you forgot your napkin Beautiful day today. Great for drying out wet towels. I have a drinking problem: I can't find a straw for my chillatte! seriously, folks. Politics is dumb: Leftwing vs Rightwing? Forget it-You Need 2 Wings to Fly! And a jet engine. Or, a rotating blade. Or a massive slingshot Every time I'm in the waiting room I'm Sort of hoping for some last-minute diseases so I can impress my doctor. Air! ...Nothing is better than air. just sayin. One great reason to own a time machine is go back and spoil everyone's favorite sitcoms Is it boastful to tell you I'm at my best when I'm raking leaves? I figure Mars is a lot like Earth, but with way less jai alai. I know this is controversial but mail is absolutely amazing: Paper, words, people, stamps, things I can lick: It all works! I've been away from Twitter - anyone heard what's happening in the Cola Wars? I like my secretaries like I like my subs: large, well dressed, with a classic bun. Yikes! It's cold enough to chill soup I am bad at standup comedy. But then again, so was Hitler. hashtag unverifiable The Pope and I have a lot in common: He's going to heaven, and I'm going to Sarnia, Ontario Paper, Rock, Scissors? WHOA. Slow down and just pass me the scissors. I Got Coupons Every day it seems there's one more drug I haven't tried. Am I light on my feet? Yes! Is it cuz I burned my toes on a candle? No comment! seriously folks Someone waving their arms at you in the middle of the street MIGHT be crazy. Or, they just might be directing traffic. keep an open mind Curling could have been way more dangerous. Glad they don't use grenades. Tight socks are sort of like the mafia: hard to get into, impossible to get out of! The only time I want to hear about nuclear submarines is when I microwave my sandwich. My R.O.I on tooth-flossing is abysmal. Anyone got any better ideas? If you ask me, clowns should be fired. They are horrendously incompetent. down with clowns After eating all our cigarette butts, sidewalks must be happy to chew our gum. minty freshness! think the future will be a lot like Tokyo, aka Crowded with a Chance of Giant Fire-Breathing Lizards I do my best thinking in the shower and on the escalator. Will someone please SPRAY ME WITH A FIREHOSE while I'm on the escalator?? I Beg You! Tired of chasing bugs around with a net! I'm buying a fly swatter If I got fired every time I drank juice at my desk, I would have been fired yesterday. #YOLO Barking dogs remind me: it's better to complain loudly and freak out about everything if you want people to let you pee outside. The two most expensive words I'll ever write: 'grocery list' Gasoline was invented because pushing a car around is incredibly difficult People say I'm tall but it's because all my shoes are at a 90-degree angle I wasted a lot of time today when I put both hands in the same glove. Getting to work was incredibly frustrating If a kid swears, you rinse his mouth with soap. Likewise, if he gets in a fistfight, he should wash his hands with toothpaste. When I want to feel tough I go for a drive in the country and beat up flies with my windshield Let's talk about how good of a dancer I am. you first just remembered how important I am. Thanks, mirror! Thanks! g'night, folks