[Intro] [verse] I’ve been dieting for a month, living on kale and air I’ve spent six hours in the trailer, getting "natural" hair I’m wearing nothing but a patch and some double-sided tape While a guy named Gary measures out the "angle of the drape" There’s a "modesty coordinator" standing by the bed Giving me a lecture that’s going to my head They’re talking ‘bout "boundaries" and "emotional space" While I’m staring at the perfection of his leading-man face... [verse] They brought in the "intimacy coach" with a clipboard and a tan She’s mapping out the journey of his legendary hand "Don't touch the neck, don't move the hip, keep the rhythm slow" I’m nodding like a pro, but I’m putting on a show I signed the "Nudity Rider," page twenty-four I was ready for a scandal, I was ready for a war I thought this was the moment, the big Hollywood dream Where the lines get blurry and we really blow off steam... [Pre-Chorus] But Gary’s got a light meter an inch from my nose And a production assistant is adjusting my toes! I’m looking at the man, the icon, the myth... And I’m realizing exactly what I’m working with! [chorus] OH! IT’S THE MOST UNROMANTIC THING I’VE EVER DONE! Underneath the heat of a fake California sun! There’s a pillow in between us and a guy holding a boom And thirty-seven strangers in a tiny little room! I thought I was the winner, I thought I’d hit the grit I THOUGHT I WAS ACTUALLY GONNA FUCK BRAD PITT! But it’s just a "closed set" and a whole lot of lies And he’s got a "stunt-double" for his lower thighs! [verse] He’s whispering the dialogue, looking in my eyes But he’s actually checking if his lighting is wise He’s got a "privacy garment" made of industrial foam I should have just stayed in my apartment at home! I’m arching my back, trying to give him a thrill But he’s worried ‘bout the focus and the "over-the-shoulder" fill I was ready to go Method, I was ready to go deep But the only thing I’m catching is a whole lot of sleep! [Bridge] "Move left." (Ugh) "Chin down." (Really?) "Can we get some more spray-on sweat for the leading man?" Are you kidding me? I’ve got my legs wrapped around a "Body-Double-Brand" WHERE’S THE PASSION?! [chorus] OH! IT’S THE MOST UNROMANTIC THING I’VE EVER DONE! Underneath the heat of a fake California sun! There’s a pillow in between us and a guy holding a boom And thirty-seven strangers in a tiny little room! I thought I was the winner, I thought I’d hit the grit I THOUGHT I WAS ACTUALLY GONNA FUCK BRAD PITT! [Outro] "Cut! Print! That’s a wrap!" (Vocalist: "Wait, that’s it?!") Take off the tape and put on the wrap Hollywood romance is a goddamn trap! "He didn't even use tongue."
