[OPENING - SPOKEN / STAGE MANAGER] Places, everyone! Smile for the affiliates. We go to air in five, four, three [ANNOUNCER] And now, tonight’s exciting new season! [MUSIC KICKS IN] [VERSE 1 - LEAD] TV producers are in big trouble, Politics wiped out half the slate. How do you sell law, order, honesty, When consequences test too late? The prosecutor’s still idealistic, The clerk must honour every clause. The system bends but somehow holds [EXECUTIVE — SPOKEN] Research says the audience isn’t fooled. [LEAD] A courtroom remake died in notes: [EXECUTIVE] “The truth? That line just won’t play. Our viewers cannot handle it, And nobody plans to tell it anyway.” [CHORUS - FULL ENSEMBLE] CANCELLED AFTER ONE SEASON! CANCELLED FOR POOR RATINGS! The honest judge, The brave witness, The public servant who reads the rules! CANCELLED AFTER ONE SEASON! CANCELLED FOR POOR RATINGS! Truth and justice Not testing well! [EXECUTIVE] So hit the theme! [ENSEMBLE] Hit the theme! [EXECUTIVE] Smile for the cameras! [ENSEMBLE] Smile! [ALL] And never mind the truth! [VERSE 2 - PRODUCERS / ENSEMBLE] We pitched a noble senator [EXECUTIVE] Too earnest for the demo. We pitched a watchdog at the gate [SECOND EXECUTIVE] They just asked us for a memo. We pitched a cop who would not fold, A witness who stayed brave, A judge who said the rules still count [EXECUTIVE] They said: [ALL EXECUTIVES - SPOKEN, ONE AFTER ANOTHER] Make virtue less specific. Give power better lighting. Make sure the ending is algorithmic. [ENSEMBLE - BUILDING] Lose the oath! [LEAD] Keep the flag! [ENSEMBLE] Lose the facts! [LEAD] Keep the news ticker! [ENSEMBLE] Lose the hearing! [LEAD] Keep the shouting! [EXECUTIVE] Can the villain be aspirational? [PAUSE] [SECOND EXECUTIVE] And one more thing [ALL, SWEETLY] The Constitution’s a wonderful property… [EXECUTIVE] But does it have to be so wordy? [CHORUS 2 - BIGGER, FASTER] CANCELLED AFTER ONE SEASON! Checks, balances and credible denial! CANCELLED FOR POOR RATINGS! The principled prosecutor! The inspector going the extra mile! CANCELLED! CANCELLED! Too complicated! CANCELLED! CANCELLED! Too hard to sell! [EXECUTIVE] Coming this fall [ENSEMBLE] COMING THIS FALL! [EXECUTIVE] A bold new franchise! [ALL] LAW & ORDER: [PAUSE] Decorative Unit! [BRASS HIT / APPLAUSE] [ENSEMBLE] The rule book’s only set dressing, But the merch department loves it! This season courage gets a makeover! Accountability gets a laugh track! Integrity moves to premium cable [EXECUTIVE] Where nobody knows the package! [MONTAGE — RAPID-FIRE TV ANNOUNCER STYLE] [ANNOUNCER] Stay tuned for [ENSEMBLE] DUE PROCESS: MIAMI! [ANNOUNCER] Now without the [ALL] PROCESS PART! [ANNOUNCER] Then an all-new [ALL] FOUNDING FATHERS’ KITCHEN! [ANNOUNCER] They shred the recipe [ALL] BEFORE THEY START! [ANNOUNCER — BRIGHT, CHEERFUL] And after the news, don’t miss [ALL] WHO WANTS TO PARDON A BILLIONAIRE? [ANNOUNCER] Download the new Streaming App! Terms may change! Some restrictions may apply to you [ALL, DEADPAN] But not to us. [MUSICAL BREAK — DARKER] [LEAD] Cancelled after one season [ENSEMBLE, QUIETLY] Cancelled… [LEAD] The notion that the system bends but holds. [ENSEMBLE] Cancelled… [LEAD] Cancelled for poor ratings The small-print promise That the truth will still be told. [FINAL CHORUS — HUGE ENSEMBLE] CANCELLED AFTER ONE SEASON! [ENSEMBLE] Cancelled! [LEAD] Checks and balances! [ENSEMBLE] Cancelled! [LEAD] Due process! [ENSEMBLE] Cancelled! [LEAD] Accountability! [ENSEMBLE] Cancelled! [LEAD] The truth! [ALL] CANCELLED FOR POOR RATINGS! [EXECUTIVE] Coming this fall [ALL] COMING THIS FALL! [EXECUTIVE] Forever renewed! [ALL] FOREVER RENEWED! [EXECUTIVE] By order of the Executive Producer [ALL] THE LAW GETS VOTED OFF THE ISLAND! [EXECUTIVE] And nobody [ALL] HAS TO GO! [BRIDGE - MUSIC DROPS / SOLO VOICE] The foundation has been torn down, Rebuilt as a dance floor. The network sells expensive tickets, The powerful use another door. We wait behind the velvet rope. We watch them cross the frame. Law and order has been cancelled. [QUIET] Integrity has left the game. [BROADCAST STATIC] [ANNOUNCER - DISTANT, FLAT] The Constitution now airs after midnight, With no promotional budget. Truth and justice will not be seen tonight, [STATIC] So that we may bring you… [PAUSE] This previously scheduled emergency. [DEAD SILENCE] [STAGE MANAGER - SPOKEN] Great. Print it. Okay, everyone That’s a wrap. [PAUSE] Hey, Cheryl… Do you think we can make this whole emergency thing into a franchise? [ONE FINAL MUSICAL STING] [BLACKOUT]
