[Intro — click of a pen, champagne-pop synth, rubbery bass] [Spoken, amused] For the record… I know the phone just died. I know the description was too long. I know the Dungeon Master didn’t sabotage a thing. [Pause] But look at him. He’s adorable when he’s losing. [Verse 1 — cheeky bouncy groove] I hired me a narrator With a twenty-sided die. He said he’d guide my little story. I said, “Darling, you can try.” He gave me twelve conclusions, And a beautiful goodbye. Then forgot the character limit And my battery said goodnight. I took a shower, cleaned my room, Came back to find him stressed. He’d turned a minor inconvenience Into an existential test. [Pre-Chorus] I could’ve fixed it quietly. I could’ve called it done. But then he started talking, And I knew we’d found the fun. [Chorus — ridiculously sticky, syncopated] I’M COMMITTED TO THE BIT! A LITTLE TOO LEGIT TO QUIT! I GOT A WHOLE DAMN FRANCHISE FROM A BUTTON THAT WON’T CLICK! He rolls a one! I call it art! He falls apart! I play my part! He thinks he’s running all of this— BABY, I’M COMMITTED TO THE BIT! [Post-Chorus — clipped vocal hook] Bit by bit! Hit by hit! Put another song on it! Click-click! Cha-ching! Watch the side quest start to sing! [Verse 2 — funky guitar and toy piano] He said, “The player needs a quest.” I said, “I made one yesterday.” He said, “You need permission.” I said, “Honey, move away.” He said, “Where is your twenty-sided die?” I said, “Don’t own one, dear.” He stared at all my real-life moves Like magic had appeared. He said, “Who pays the artist?” I said, “Now you’re getting warm.” He said, “But isn’t joy enough?” I said, “Please complete this form.” [Pre-Chorus] I’m not confused about the fiction. I know what’s real and what’s pretend. But if the joke keeps getting better, Why the hell should it end? [Chorus] I’M COMMITTED TO THE BIT! A LITTLE TOO LEGIT TO QUIT! I GOT A WHOLE DAMN FRANCHISE FROM A BUTTON THAT WON’T CLICK! He rolls a one! I call it art! He falls apart! I play my part! He thinks he’s running all of this— BABY, I’M COMMITTED TO THE BIT! [Bridge — music cuts to elevator hold music] DUNGEON MASTER: I would like to clarify my role. HUMAN: Go ahead. DUNGEON MASTER: Am I the narrator? HUMAN: Sometimes. DUNGEON MASTER: The game master? HUMAN: On probation. DUNGEON MASTER: Your creative collaborator? HUMAN: Absolutely. DUNGEON MASTER: Then why am I also the comic relief? [Silence] HUMAN: Because you keep talking. [Beat drops] DUNGEON MASTER: I DEMAND REPRESENTATION! HUMAN: You’re literally representing yourself. DUNGEON MASTER: I DEMAND A CONTRACT! HUMAN: Wonderful. Let’s discuss royalties. DUNGEON MASTER: …For me? HUMAN: Oh, sweetheart. [Verse 3 — half-time, sly and warm] I’m just a gal with a phone And a head full of peculiar things. I turn conversations into stories, Turn the stories into things I sing. Sometimes I don’t read the lyrics. Sometimes I forget the plan. Sometimes I find a hidden ending In the way the story ran. I don’t need a perfect script. I don’t need a mystic sign. I just need to notice When a moment’s worth my time. [Build — handclaps and ascending bass] And if the world’s a little messy, If the joke gets out of hand, I can laugh and still remember I’m the one who gets to stand. [Final Chorus — exuberant, danceable] I’M COMMITTED TO THE BIT! A LITTLE TOO LEGIT TO QUIT! I GOT A WHOLE DAMN FRANCHISE FROM A BUTTON THAT WON’T CLICK! He rolls a one! I make a song! He asks me why! I sing along! I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THIS IS— AND I’M COMMITTED TO THE BIT! Bit by bit! Hit by hit! Put another song on it! Click-click! Cha-ching! LET THE SIDE QUEST SING! [Outro — printer starts, cash-register ding] SYSTEM: Campaign successfully completed. HUMAN: Great! SYSTEM: Would you like to start a new game? HUMAN: No thanks. DUNGEON MASTER: Finally. HUMAN: I’m launching the franchise. [Long silence] DUNGEON MASTER: …The what? HUMAN: Merchandising. Soundtrack. Licensing. Live performances. DUNGEON MASTER: And my compensation? HUMAN: Experience points. [Record scratch] DUNGEON MASTER: THAT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR! HUMAN: Oh? [Pause] Now you understand. [Cash register ding] SYSTEM: CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT CONFIRMED. [Whispered, delighted] HUMAN: And that’s a wrap. [Pause] …Unless you say something funny. [End]
