[Verse 1] I said, “I need a little stability. I’m sick of living week to week.” Then I turned down a paying gig because the details looked too bleak. I helped a friend move one more couch, I made a plan, I made a list— Then rent came due. I rolled my sleeves: “Finally. A plot with stakes in it.” [Pre-Chorus] I hate this quest. I hate this quest. I sharpened all my tools for it and alphabetized the chest. [Chorus] I hate this quest! I hate this quest! I’m one surprise bill from my very best! No map, no plan, no money left— I’m furious! I’m flourishing! I hate this quest! [Verse 2] The clerk said, “What would you do if money showed up every month?” I laughed so hard I dropped my pen. “Let’s not get weird. Let’s not get blunt.” I know who’s hiring, who needs help, who’s got a ladder I can borrow. I’ve turned “I’ll pay you later” into a regional folk art. [Pre-Chorus] I hate this quest. I hate this quest. I know the shortcut through the swamp and every pawn shop in the West. [Chorus] I hate this quest! I hate this quest! The wolves are out, the car needs gas! I’ll save the village, skip my check— I’m selfless! I’m spectacular! I hate this quest! [Bridge — music cuts; deadpan] And if the money came in… on time… and nobody needed saving… and I could just… keep it— [beat] What would I do with all this free time? [small, horrified inhale] Probably organize my mother’s garage. [bassoon sting] [Verse 3] I pictured having money in the bank. My stomach did a little flip. Not fear, exactly. More like someone said, “You could leave the tutorial ship.” I pictured saying, “That costs extra.” I pictured not explaining why. I pictured someone else fixing it. [quietly] I almost cried. [Final Chorus] I hate this quest! I hate this quest! I built my whole damn outfit for it! The tragic boots! The thrift-store vest! The “I can make it work” finesse! I hate this quest! I hate this quest! I’d miss the part where I’m impressed I can survive on crumbs and stress— [beat] …That’s kind of embarrassing. [Outro] So I’m keeping all my skills. The map. The nerve. The questing zest. I’m just putting “pay myself” in the quest log next. [bassoon, triumphant] “That costs extra.”
