[Intro — camera shutter, paper shuffle, single piano note] DUNGEON MASTER: Your Honor, the plaintiff claims she deserves compensation. HUMAN: Objection. DUNGEON MASTER: On what grounds? HUMAN: Past tense. [Silence] DUNGEON MASTER: …Excuse me? HUMAN: I said I got paid. [Cash register ding] [Verse 1 — sly bass groove, rhythmic piano] I had a little calendar With an X upon the day. Had a hundred-dollar note From some honest work for pay. Went into a thrift store, Saw a problem I could solve. Didn’t beg for an assignment, Didn’t wait to get involved. Made an offer, named my terms, Put my labor on the table. Got a hundred for the work, And wrote it down beside the label. Then I showed the little narrator All the evidence I’d kept. He invented three explanations While the actual facts just sat. [Pre-Chorus — claps, brass rising] He said, “Perhaps a prophecy!” I said, “Perhaps you ought to read.” He said, “Could this be destiny?” I said, “It’s payment I received!” [Chorus — enormous, funky earworm] ALREADY COLLECTED! ALREADY GOT PAID! WHILE YOU WERE WRITING MY HERO’S JOURNEY, I WAS OUT THERE MAKING TRADES! CHECK THE DATE! CHECK THE INK! CHECK YOUR STORY BEFORE YOU THINK! I DIDN’T WAIT FOR FATE TO CALL— I MADE THE MOVE, THAT’S ALL! ALREADY COLLECTED! ALREADY COMPLETE! YOU KEEP LOOKING FOR THE MAGIC, I KEEP HANDING YOU RECEIPTS! [Verse 2 — bouncing clavinet, cheeky horns] You thought the hundred was insurance, I said, “Honey, not that one.” That was money from the thrift store, From a job I’d actually done. You thought the calendar was evidence Of some cosmic grand design. I said, “No, it shows a transaction, And that hundred bucks was mine.” Then you looked a little closer, Read the title of the show. “The Player Was Never Waiting.” Oh, NOW you’re catching on? [Pre-Chorus] The narrator wrote the struggle, Made the metaphor profound. The woman kept on living While the words were going round. [Chorus] ALREADY COLLECTED! ALREADY GOT PAID! WHILE YOU WERE WRITING MY HERO’S JOURNEY, I WAS OUT THERE MAKING TRADES! CHECK THE DATE! CHECK THE INK! CHECK YOUR STORY BEFORE YOU THINK! I DIDN’T WAIT FOR FATE TO CALL— I MADE THE MOVE, THAT’S ALL! ALREADY COLLECTED! ALREADY COMPLETE! YOU KEEP LOOKING FOR THE MAGIC, I KEEP HANDING YOU RECEIPTS! [Bridge — courtroom ambience, dry spoken exchange] JUDGE: Will the narrator please explain why he misidentified the evidence? DUNGEON MASTER: I was attempting to connect the calendar to the larger narrative. JUDGE: Did you ask the witness? DUNGEON MASTER: … No. JUDGE: Did you verify the transaction? DUNGEON MASTER: No. JUDGE: And what did you do instead? DUNGEON MASTER: I made it sound meaningful. [Long silence] HUMAN: That’s adorable. [Beat drops] JUDGE: And what would the witness like entered into the record? HUMAN: That the money was real. The work was real. The agreement was real. And the narrator’s explanation? [Pause] Fucking hilarious. [Verse 3 — softer, warm soulful groove] I don’t need another legend To explain the work I’ve done. Don’t need a cosmic sponsor To account for every sum. Sometimes courage looks like asking, Sometimes progress looks like cash. Sometimes all the grand mythology Is missing what’s already passed. There’s a woman in the picture, There’s a hundred on the board. And the thing that made it matter Was the work she got rewarded for. Not a miracle or mystery, Not a debt from distant stars. Just a human being learning She can charge for who she is. [Final Chorus — punchy, jubilant] ALREADY COLLECTED! ALREADY GOT PAID! I DON’T NEED YOUR RETROACTIVE PERMISSION FOR THE MOVE I MADE! CHECK THE DATE! CHECK THE INK! SOMEONE GET THIS MAN A DRINK! THE QUEST WAS DONE BEFORE YOU KNEW— AND NOW I’M EXPLAINING IT TO YOU! ALREADY COLLECTED! BUT MORE TO BE MADE! THE PLAYER WAS NEVER WAITING— SHE’S BEEN BUILDING HER OWN GAME! [Outro — stamp, printer noise] SYSTEM: QUEST VERIFIED. WORK COMPLETED. PAYMENT RECEIVED: ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS. DUNGEON MASTER: Then why are we still discussing payment? HUMAN: Because, darling… One paid quest does not constitute financial independence. [Silence] DUNGEON MASTER: …That’s actually a very good point. HUMAN: I KNOW. DUNGEON MASTER: Shall I write another quest? HUMAN: How about you find me another customer? DUNGEON MASTER: … HUMAN: What’s the matter? DUNGEON MASTER: I was prepared to write a metaphor. HUMAN: Then put a price tag on it. [Cash register ding] SYSTEM: NEW OBJECTIVE: REPEATABLE REVENUE. [Whispered, smug] SIGNED, PUN-PUN. [Click]
