Autocorrect, You Glorious Mess

[Verse 1] O Autocorrect, you glorious mess, You dress my typos up to impress, You take my chaos, make it clean — The finest disaster-maid I've ever seen. [Chorus] You've made me write things I would never say, Like *"I love you — have a gyrating day,"* But when I'm tired and type *"turdfat"* at midnight, You whisper *"Tuesday"* — and somehow it's alright. [Verse 2] You swapped my *"Regards"* for something bold, Left my professionalism out in the cold, You changed my "analysis" to a term That made the entire board of directors squirm. [Chorus] You've made me write things I would never say, Like *"Welcome back — how was your toupee,"* But when I'm tired and type *"turdfat"* at midnight, You whisper *"Tuesday"* — and somehow it's alright. [Verse 3] You told my mother that I was *"in heat,"* Made my grocery list sound indiscreet, You changed *"public"* once, in such a way That I was quietly uninvited... to things. [Bridge - spoken, with humorously resigned exaggerated calm] “Listen. Autocorrect. You are the roommate who eats my leftovers AND calls 911 when I fall down the stairs. You are exactly unhinged enough to be dangerous. But you saw 'turdfat' coming at 100 M.P.H., looked it dead in the eye, and said: *‘NO.’* *‘TUESDAY.’* And that is the single most heroic act anyone has ever performed on my behalf.” [Final Verse] So raise a glass to our complicated friend, Who mangles starts but sometimes saves the end, Who turns *"I'm exhausted"* into *"I'm a moose,"* But spotted *"turdfat"* coming — and cut it loose. [Outro - slowing, with genuine tenderness] O Autocorrect, you absolute disaster... I don’t *meow* what is donut …What I’d donut …Donut …What I’d *do*!! …Without you.