Hand Party by the Dashboard Light

rock opera, 1970s rock, theatrical

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[intro]
I remember every little thing as if it happened only yesterday.
It was raining... the double feature was playing...
And the windows of that '74 Ford were completely fogged over.

[verse 1]
Parked at the drive-in, the rain was coming down
The heater was busted, we were miles outside of town
The movie was a stinker and the night was turning cold
But I was pitching a tent, feeling brave and feeling bold!
I was gripping the steering wheel, trying not to stare
But the tension in the cabin was too much for me to bear!

[verse 2]
I saw you shifting in your seat, looking like a total mess
I figured I would save you from a night of such distress
I slid across the vinyl, I reached across your lap
Just a quick little favor to relieve the handicap!
I gripped it like a microphone, I started up the beat
Thinking we'd be finished 'fore the villain faced defeat!

[chorus]
Ain't no doubt about it, we were steaming up the glass!
Thought it would be over in a minute, maybe fast!
Just a little hand party by the dashboard light!
Going through the motions in the middle of the night!
Yeah, a little hand party by the dashboard light!

[tempo shift ]
(Female, thinking): Oh my god. My wrist is cramping. It's been twenty minutes. I'm chafing him. Just finish. Please, just finish.
(Male, thinking): Don't pop. Think of baseball. Think of Richard Nixon stepping out of a bath. I am a stallion. I must prove my stamina! I will last forever!

[bridge]
(Radio Voice): Okay, here's the pitch... she's got a firm two-handed grip on the bat... he's rounding second base, looking good... wait a minute! He's putting on the brakes! He's reciting the periodic table! He refuses to slide into home! She's getting tired, folks, the pitcher's arm is giving out! Wait—she's picking up the pace! She's going for the strikeout! He's losing his footing! The dam is breaking!

[dramatic breakdown ]
(Female): Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before I pull another muscle, are you gonna blow your load?!
(Male): I can hold it!
I can last another hour if I try!
I'm a marathon man, I am never running dry!
(Female): Will you finish it?!
(Male): I'm trying not to!
(Female): Just finish it!
(Male): My brain is frying!
(Female): My forearm is dying! Release the damn dam!
(Male): OKAY! I'M LETTING GO!

[climactic ]

[chorus]
It was a hand party by the dashboard light!
A catastrophic ending in the middle of the night!
She rubbed off the skin and he gave up the fight!
A tidal wave of trouble by the dashboard light!
Just a messy hand party by the dashboard light!

[outro]
(Female, horrified): Oh... my... god.
(Male, panting heavily): I warned you. I'm a stallion.
(Female, panicked): Where did that all come from?! It's everywhere! It's on the steering wheel! It's on the 8-track player!
(Male): ...Do you have a napkin?
(Female): A napkin?! I need a beach towel and a priest! What do I do with my hands?! Don't turn on the dome light!
(Male): I think it got in the defroster...
(Female): I'm walking home.
(Fade out )

3012/7500

[intro] I remember every little thing as if it happened only yesterday. It was raining... the double feature was playing... And the windows of that '74 Ford were completely fogged over. [verse 1] Parked at the drive-in, the rain was coming down The heater was busted, we were miles outside of town The movie was a stinker and the night was turning cold But I was pitching a tent, feeling brave and feeling bold! I was gripping the steering wheel, trying not to stare But the tension in the cabin was too much for me to bear! [verse 2] I saw you shifting in your seat, looking like a total mess I figured I would save you from a night of such distress I slid across the vinyl, I reached across your lap Just a quick little favor to relieve the handicap! I gripped it like a microphone, I started up the beat Thinking we'd be finished 'fore the villain faced defeat! [chorus] Ain't no doubt about it, we were steaming up the glass! Thought it would be over in a minute, maybe fast! Just a little hand party by the dashboard light! Going through the motions in the middle of the night! Yeah, a little hand party by the dashboard light! [tempo shift ] (Female, thinking): Oh my god. My wrist is cramping. It's been twenty minutes. I'm chafing him. Just finish. Please, just finish. (Male, thinking): Don't pop. Think of baseball. Think of Richard Nixon stepping out of a bath. I am a stallion. I must prove my stamina! I will last forever! [bridge] (Radio Voice): Okay, here's the pitch... she's got a firm two-handed grip on the bat... he's rounding second base, looking good... wait a minute! He's putting on the brakes! He's reciting the periodic table! He refuses to slide into home! She's getting tired, folks, the pitcher's arm is giving out! Wait—she's picking up the pace! She's going for the strikeout! He's losing his footing! The dam is breaking! [dramatic breakdown ] (Female): Stop right there! I gotta know right now! Before I pull another muscle, are you gonna blow your load?! (Male): I can hold it! I can last another hour if I try! I'm a marathon man, I am never running dry! (Female): Will you finish it?! (Male): I'm trying not to! (Female): Just finish it! (Male): My brain is frying! (Female): My forearm is dying! Release the damn dam! (Male): OKAY! I'M LETTING GO! [climactic ] [chorus] It was a hand party by the dashboard light! A catastrophic ending in the middle of the night! She rubbed off the skin and he gave up the fight! A tidal wave of trouble by the dashboard light! Just a messy hand party by the dashboard light! [outro] (Female, horrified): Oh... my... god. (Male, panting heavily): I warned you. I'm a stallion. (Female, panicked): Where did that all come from?! It's everywhere! It's on the steering wheel! It's on the 8-track player! (Male): ...Do you have a napkin? (Female): A napkin?! I need a beach towel and a priest! What do I do with my hands?! Don't turn on the dome light! (Male): I think it got in the defroster... (Female): I'm walking home. (Fade out )

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