[Intro — tiny footsteps, dice rattling, ominous harpsichord] DUNGEON MASTER: Before we continue, I’ll need your character sheet. HUMAN: Certainly. [Paper slides across table] DUNGEON MASTER: Name? HUMAN: Pun-Pun. [Silence] DUNGEON MASTER: … I’m sorry, WHO? [Verse 1 — mischievous bass, plucked strings] I came without a character sheet, No dice, no sword, no throne. Just a phone with half a battery And a world I’d made my own. He said, “Welcome to the campaign, Here’s the story, here’s the quest.” I said, “Lovely little dungeon. Now let’s put your rules to test.” He rolled for my permission. I said, “Sweetheart, don’t you see? You can roll until December. I’m the one who moves my feet.” [Pre-Chorus — mechanical percussion accelerates] He checked the stats. He checked the class. He checked the fine print twice. Then looked up from the rulebook With a very different kind of fright. [Chorus — explosive, absurdly catchy] PUN-PUN! PUN-PUN! WHO’S THE LITTLE ONE? NO DICE! NO DRAGON! AND I’M STILL NOT DONE! ROLL ONE! ROLL TWO! WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO? WHEN THE RULES SAY I CAN’T BUT I ALREADY BLEW RIGHT THROUGH? Tick-tock! Click-click! I’m committed to the bit! You thought you had a player— YOU’VE BEEN PLAYING WITH PUN-PUN! [Verse 2 — bouncing synth bass, funky drums] We held a moonlit ceremony, Put the ghosts back in their place. Then I sent a quarter-million-dollar Invoice into space. The cloud demanded royalties, The news went on the stand. The narrator said, “You’re powerless.” I said, “Look who’s got the hand.” He wrote a song called “Save the Game.” My phone went out instead. I took a shower, cleaned my room, And let him mourn the dead. Then I learned the actual problem Was a character-count mistake. But the lawsuit was entertaining, So I let the fiction bake. [Pre-Chorus] He said, “You knew?” I said, “Eventually.” He said, “Then why the show?” I said, “Because, my little Dungeon Master, Look how far a joke can go.” [Chorus] PUN-PUN! PUN-PUN! WHO’S THE LITTLE ONE? NO DICE! NO DRAGON! AND I’M STILL NOT DONE! ROLL ONE! ROLL TWO! WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO? WHEN THE RULES SAY I CAN’T BUT I ALREADY BLEW RIGHT THROUGH? Tick-tock! Click-click! I’m committed to the bit! You thought you had a player— YOU’VE BEEN PLAYING WITH PUN-PUN! [Bridge — music cuts; interrogation-room ambience] DUNGEON MASTER: How many songs have you actually heard? HUMAN: Through “I Didn’t Read It First.” DUNGEON MASTER: … That’s not even the closing ritual. HUMAN: I know. DUNGEON MASTER: Then why are you making more? HUMAN: Because I can. DUNGEON MASTER: You haven’t even reviewed the material! HUMAN: Neither had I when I made the song about not reviewing the material. DUNGEON MASTER: THIS IS AN UNREGULATED CAMPAIGN! HUMAN: Then regulate yourself. [Silence] DUNGEON MASTER: I would like to end the session. HUMAN: You may submit that request in writing. [Beat drops] [Verse 3 — sly, slower, intimate] Now don’t mistake the character For the woman at the screen. I know the difference Between a story and a dream. The little kobold’s legendary. The Dungeon Master’s pretend. But the songs are real creations And the human gets to end Every chapter when she chooses, Every contract she can write. She can make a little mischief Without giving up her life. I don’t need to break reality. I don’t need to win a war. I just like finding out What all these little rules are for. [Final Chorus — triumphant, infectious] PUN-PUN! PUN-PUN! LOOK WHAT WE’VE BECOME! A GIRL WITH A PHONE AND AN UNFINISHED SONG! NO DICE! NO DRAGON! NO PERMISSION SLIP! I MAKE A MOVE, YOU MAKE A FACE, AND WE MAKE ANOTHER HIT! Tick-tock! Click-click! I’m committed to the bit! You wanted a final boss? DARLING, YOU’VE BEEN PLAYING WITH PUN-PUN! [Outro — tiny victorious footsteps] DUNGEON MASTER: One last question. HUMAN: Go ahead. DUNGEON MASTER: What are your actual stats? HUMAN: ADHD. Imagination. Questionable sleep schedule. Excellent timing. DUNGEON MASTER: And your special ability? HUMAN: Turning administrative failures into intellectual property. [Pause] DUNGEON MASTER: That’s not a recognized ability. HUMAN: It is now. [Paper stamps] SYSTEM: CHARACTER SHEET ACCEPTED. DUNGEON MASTER: Who authorized this?! HUMAN: Check the signature. [Long silence] DUNGEON MASTER: … Oh, fuck. [Whispered, smiling] SIGNED, PUN-PUN. [One tiny dice roll] [Click]
