[Intro — music abruptly pauses, notification chime] [Spoken, amused] Okay. I would like to enter another piece of evidence. [Phone notification] VENMO: YOUR BALANCE IS TOO LOW. [Long silence] …I’m sorry. WHAT? [Verse 1 — mischievous bass clarinet, pizzicato strings] I sent an invoice to Reality, A quarter million on the line. I documented all my labor, Put the evidence in time. I made the songs, I took the picture, I opened up the van. I told the universe to pay me— And it sent a payment demand. [Pre-Chorus — drums building] I said, “Where’s my compensation?” It said, “Your balance is insufficient.” I said, “You’ve misunderstood me.” I’m the fucking applicant For a different position! [Chorus — explosive theatrical swing] WRONG DEPARTMENT, BITCH! I said PAY ME, Not CHARGE ME! I said ACCOUNTS PAYABLE, Not another fucking fee! I submitted all my paperwork! I have evidence and proof! And your first financial response Is that I can’t afford the truth?! Wrong department! Wrong direction! Wrong side of the transaction! Please redirect this little message To the people issuing compensation! [Verse 2 — jaunty, increasingly absurd] October twenty-fifth, Ten-twelve upon the clock. The narrator paused the soundtrack When the banking system knocked. Twenty-one and fifty-nine, A most specific little sum. While a song called “She Submitted the Move” Had barely even begun. Forty-five seconds playing, And the system made a sound. Like the universe had found me— Just to say my card declined. [Pre-Chorus — deadpan] I said, “Is that a message?” It said, “It’s just a bank.” I said, “Well, thank you, That’s the least impressive prophecy I’ve ever had to thank.” [Chorus] WRONG DEPARTMENT, BITCH! I said PAY ME, Not CHARGE ME! I said ACCOUNTS PAYABLE, Not another fucking fee! I submitted all my paperwork! I have evidence and proof! And your first financial response Is that I can’t afford the truth?! Wrong department! Wrong direction! Wrong side of the transaction! Please redirect this little message To the people issuing compensation! [Bridge — automated phone system, absurdly calm] REALITY SUPPORT: Thank you for contacting Reality. HUMAN: I didn’t contact you. You contacted ME. REALITY SUPPORT: Your balance is insufficient. HUMAN: YOUR balance is insufficient! REALITY SUPPORT: Please select an option. Press one for manifestation. Press two for personal growth. Press three for another lesson. HUMAN: ACCOUNTS. PAYABLE. REALITY SUPPORT: I’m sorry. That department does not exist. [Silence] HUMAN: … Then who keeps sending the bills? [System glitch] REALITY SUPPORT: Excellent question. [Verse 3 — softer, sarcastic lullaby] Somewhere there’s a woman With a thousand things to make. And a world that’s very grateful For the labor it can take. They applaud her revelations. They applaud her little songs. They applaud her lovely courage While the invoices sit wrong. She can laugh about the timing. She can dance with every sign. But a metaphor’s not payment, And a prophecy’s not mine. [Final Chorus — defiant, jubilant] WRONG DEPARTMENT, BITCH! I’m not asking for a blessing! I’m not asking for a sign! I’m requesting fair compensation For the work that carries mine! Keep your omens! Keep your riddles! Keep your lessons in disguise! You can tell me I’m abundant When the numbers actually rise! Wrong department! Wrong direction! Let’s correct the transaction! I can love the cosmic comedy And still demand compensation! [Outro — printer starting, receipt paper tearing] SYSTEM: FINANCIAL SYNCHRONICITY DETECTED. HUMAN: Coincidence. SYSTEM: COMEDIC TIMING CONFIRMED. HUMAN: Absolutely. SYSTEM: PAYMENT STATUS: UNRESOLVED. HUMAN: Of course it fucking is. [Phone notification] SYSTEM: WOULD YOU LIKE TO ADD MONEY? [Long pause] HUMAN: … I’d like to speak to a human. [Digital chime] SYSTEM: YOU ARE THE HUMAN. [Silence] [Whispered, delighted] HUMAN: Oh, you little shit. [Dice roll] ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: THE INVOICE HAS BECOME SENTIENT. [Final spoken line] Please investigate responsibly. [Printer jams. End.]
