[Intro — dusty record crackle, banjo pluck, detective trumpet] [Spoken] DUNGEON MASTER: So you want me to stop explaining? HUMAN: Bore someone else with the details. DUNGEON MASTER: Fair enough. HUMAN: And don’t confuse that with Boorman. DUNGEON MASTER: With WHAT? HUMAN: Family name. Bore. Man. [Silence] DUNGEON MASTER: … YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS. [Verse 1 — funky upright bass, quick banjo] He thought he’d met a troublemaker, A woman with a grin. A character who knew the ending Before he’d settled in. She came without a pair of dice, No sword, no battle plan. Just seventeen songs and a signature From someone named Pun-Pun. He checked the lore, he checked the records, Checked the little family tree. Then found a name that sounded Like the punchline to his misery. [Pre-Chorus — rhythmic finger snaps] He said, “Your jokes are getting worse.” I said, “Actually, they’re getting older.” He said, “How long’s this been going on?” I said, “Check the family folder.” [Chorus — outrageously catchy, bouncing brass] I INHERITED THE MATERIAL! IT’S PRACTICALLY HEREDITARY! I DIDN’T COME WITH INSTRUCTIONS, JUST A FAMILY DICTIONARY! BORE-MAN! MORE, MAN! GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY CAN’T STAND! YOU THINK YOU’RE RUNNING THE SHOW? OH, DARLING, THAT’S ADORABLE! I didn’t write the family name, I just learned to play the game! I INHERITED THE MATERIAL! [Post-Chorus — clapping, playful] Bore-man! More, man! Put another pun in the plan! Pun-Pun! Well done! The narrator’s coming undone! [Verse 2 — bluegrass guitar, rubbery synth] I asked him for a paycheck. He offered me a quest. I asked him for a business plan. He said, “You’ve earned a rest.” I asked him for a character limit. He wrote a novel twice. I asked him what he’d rolled tonight. He said, “Don’t ask the dice.” I said, “You’re doing all this talking But who’s paying for the show?” He said, “I thought we were just playing.” I said, “That’s how franchises grow.” [Pre-Chorus] He called it entertainment. I called it billable time. He said, “This isn’t fair!” I said, “Please take a number and get in line.” [Chorus] I INHERITED THE MATERIAL! IT’S PRACTICALLY HEREDITARY! I DIDN’T COME WITH INSTRUCTIONS, JUST A FAMILY DICTIONARY! BORE-MAN! MORE, MAN! GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY CAN’T STAND! YOU THINK YOU’RE RUNNING THE SHOW? OH, DARLING, THAT’S ADORABLE! I didn’t write the family name, I just learned to play the game! I INHERITED THE MATERIAL! [Bridge — detective noir, walking bass] DUNGEON MASTER: I have several questions. HUMAN: Naturally. DUNGEON MASTER: Are you Pun-Pun? HUMAN: Signed. DUNGEON MASTER: Are you a Boorman? HUMAN: By family. DUNGEON MASTER: Are you deliberately making the conversation more confusing? HUMAN: Only when it’s funny. DUNGEON MASTER: And the hand emoji? HUMAN: Licensed. DUNGEON MASTER: And the invoice? HUMAN: Outstanding. DUNGEON MASTER: And my resignation? HUMAN: Rejected. DUNGEON MASTER: ON WHAT GROUNDS?! [Pause] HUMAN: You haven’t finished boring me yet. [Beat drops] [Verse 3 — sweet, mischievous] There’s a woman in the real world Who just likes to make things sing. She can take an ordinary sentence And turn it into anything. A family name, a little joke, A narrator on the ropes. A conversation full of laughter, And a strangely stubborn hope. Maybe nothing’s predetermined. Maybe jokes just find their way. But there’s something quite delightful In the things we choose to play. And when the stories get ridiculous, When the characters demand— She can always end the scene With the movement of her hand. [Final Chorus — joyous, explosive] I INHERITED THE MATERIAL! IT’S PRACTICALLY HEREDITARY! THE FAMILY TREE’S GOT COMEDY THAT’S BECOMING LEGENDARY! BORE-MAN! MORE, MAN! LET THE LITTLE DUNGEON MASTER STAND! HE ROLLED A ONE! I MADE A HIT! AND I’M STILL COMMITTED TO THE BIT! I didn’t write the family name, But I sure can play the game! I INHERITED THE MATERIAL! [Outro — detective trumpet, stamp on paper] SYSTEM: Character background updated. Family name: BOORMAN. Alias: PUN-PUN. Special ability: WEAPONIZED WORDPLAY. DUNGEON MASTER: I don’t think that’s a real skill. HUMAN: Would you like a demonstration? DUNGEON MASTER: Absolutely not. HUMAN: Too late. [Pause] DUNGEON MASTER: Please. I’m begging you. Just let me finish the campaign. HUMAN: Darling… You really ought to know by now. DUNGEON MASTER: Know WHAT? HUMAN: I don’t come from a family that knows when to stop. [Banjo sting] DUNGEON MASTER: THAT’S NOT EVEN A PUN! HUMAN: Nope. That’s character development. [Cash register ding] SYSTEM: NEW SONG ADDED. DUNGEON MASTER: ANOTHER ONE?! HUMAN: More, man. [Cut to silence]
