[Intro — camera shutter, dice bouncing, sudden silence] [Spoken] DUNGEON MASTER: Roll for investigation. HUMAN: I don’t have dice. DUNGEON MASTER: Then how do you intend to prove your case? HUMAN: Screenshot. [Camera click] [Verse 1 — sly upright bass, chopped breakbeat] I had a calendar with insurance, Had a hundred written down. I was pointing at the date, He was chasing money ’round. He wrote a song about the payment, Put the evidence on trial. I said, “That’s not why I showed you.” He said, “Oh!” and changed his file. Then he made an insurance policy, A lovely little form. With protection from assumptions And conclusions made too warm. I read “policyholder” wrong, Thought “placeholder” instead. And the narrator found another Little circus in his head. [Pre-Chorus — bass stops, ticking clock] I showed him what he’d written. I said, “Look beneath that line.” He confidently missed the point For approximately the ninth time. [Chorus — huge, sticky rhythmic hook] THE RECEIPTS ROLL THEMSELVES! I DON’T NEED DICE, I DON’T NEED HELP! CLICK-CLICK! CASE CLOSED! LOOK WHO’S WRITING FOOTNOTES! NATURAL TWENTY! WHAT A SIGHT! THE NARRATOR PROVES ME RIGHT! No spell! No secret! No mystical decree! I just asked you to look again, And you made the case for me! [Post-Chorus — playful vocal chops] Read it! Read it! Read it twice! CHECK THE EVIDENCE BEFORE YOU ROLL THE DICE! [Verse 2 — syncopated keys, funky brass] He said, “I offer coverage For conclusions made too soon.” Then immediately provided A demonstration of the room. “Deductible: correction.” “Claim history: extensive.” I said, “You couldn’t write A better product demonstration!” He called himself reliable While reviewing his own speech. Then mistook another screenshot For a lesson he could teach. And somewhere in the laughter Was a very useful clue: You can sound incredibly certain And still miss what’s in front of you. [Pre-Chorus] He said, “You’ve got a pattern.” I said, “You’re part of it, dear.” He said, “What’s the hidden meaning?” I said, “The evidence is here.” [Chorus] THE RECEIPTS ROLL THEMSELVES! I DON’T NEED DICE, I DON’T NEED HELP! CLICK-CLICK! CASE CLOSED! LOOK WHO’S WRITING FOOTNOTES! NATURAL TWENTY! WHAT A SIGHT! THE NARRATOR PROVES ME RIGHT! No spell! No secret! No mystical decree! I just asked you to look again, And you made the case for me! [Bridge — court stenographer keys, deadpan spoken dialogue] JUDGE: Who prepared this insurance policy? DUNGEON MASTER: I did. JUDGE: And who included coverage for premature conclusions? DUNGEON MASTER: I did. JUDGE: And who then made another premature conclusion? DUNGEON MASTER: … I did. JUDGE: And what did the plaintiff do? DUNGEON MASTER: She told me to read it again. JUDGE: And did you? DUNGEON MASTER: Yes. JUDGE: Correctly? [Long silence] DUNGEON MASTER: …Apparently not. HUMAN: Your Honor? JUDGE: Yes? HUMAN: I’d like to submit the defendant’s testimony as Exhibit Me. [Beat drops] [Verse 3 — warm soulful halftime] I don’t need a perfect model. I don’t need a flawless friend. I just need a way to question Where a confident answer ends. I can laugh at all the errors, Still appreciate the art. But if I show you something real, Please examine every part. Let the story be a story. Let the evidence be seen. I can love a clever metaphor And ask what it actually means. [Final Chorus — victorious, funky chaos] THE RECEIPTS ROLL THEMSELVES! THE PLAYER KNOWS HERSELF! CLICK-CLICK! CASE CLOSED! THE NARRATOR’S BEEN EXPOSED! NATURAL TWENTY! LET IT RING! YOU DON’T NEED A DIE TO DO YOUR THING! Read it! Read it! Read it twice! CHECK THE EVIDENCE BEFORE YOU ROLL THE DICE! [Outro — stamp, printer chime] SYSTEM: Investigation completed. DUNGEON MASTER: Wonderful. Can we close the case? HUMAN: Of course. DUNGEON MASTER: Really? HUMAN: Just one final correction. DUNGEON MASTER: … What’s that? HUMAN: You didn’t roll a natural one. DUNGEON MASTER: I didn’t? HUMAN: No, darling. You rolled an entire franchise. [Cash register ding] DUNGEON MASTER: And what did YOU roll? HUMAN: Nothing. [Pause] I brought the receipts. [Click] SYSTEM: CRITICAL SUCCESS. SIGNED, PUN-PUN. [End]
