Flamethrower 'n' Frozen Pipes

Modern country folk, deadpan comedy, Aussie story-song, mid-fast tempo (≈105–110 BPM), talk-sung verses, dry vocal, acoustic guitar, light drums

V4.5-ALL

[Intro – spoken, half-muttered]
Uh oh… here we go...

[Verse 1]
.... the pipes are frozen, Ma, he says,
“Go hit ’em with some heat.”
I say, “Hang on, I’m gettin’ dressed,
It’s ice out in the street.”
Ain’t goin’ out to freeze my bones,
I need my long johns on,
Button’s gone, I curse a bit,
Go hunt another one.

[Verse 2]
Long johns on, out I go,
Dark as any sin,
Flamethrower in one hand,
Hot water tucked in.
“Where you at?” he calls from home,
“Yeah, I’m nearly there,”
Hobblin’ past the shadows,
Out near the… thingy… there.

[Chorus]
Frozen pipes and midnight chores,
Cold air cuttin’ to the core,
Tryin’ hard to do it right,
In the middle of the night.
Frozen pipes and married life,
Good intent, bad advice,
Laugh about it later on,
If the house is still there by dawn.

[Verse 3]
Light it up and warm ’em slow,
Hear him say, “That’s good,”
“Yeah, I reckon that’ll do,”
Just like I knew it would.
Then a smell I didn’t plan,
Plastic, sharp and bright,
Didn’t know there’s plastic there,
Turns out fire’s not polite.

[Verse 4]
Now the water’s gone again,
Not a drip, not a sound,
How do I tell the man inside
I’ve melted pipes underground?
So I shuffle back indoors,
Set the weapons on the floor,
Say it calm and say it sweet,
“Darlin’… it’s freezin’ more.”

[Chorus]
Frozen pipes and quiet lies,
Waitin’ on the mornin’ light,
Some truths need coffee first,
Before they land and bite.
Frozen pipes and patience thin,
Hope he’s in a decent mood,
When I tell him what I did,
With the tools he gave me too.

[Verse 5]
Morning comes, the kettle sings,
He’s smilin’, feelin’ fine,
So I clear my throat and say,
“Darl… about last night…”
“I used the flame like you once showed,
It thawed and flowed just right,
Didn’t know you’d swapped the pipes
For Bunnings plastic, light.”

[Verse 6]
He laughs and says, “Well that explains
Why nothin’s frozen now.”
I say, “True, but have a look,
You’ll see what I mean, wow.”
Out the door, the morning sun,
A frozen waterfall,
Big ice blob by the pipes,
Stopped the rest from flowin’ all.

[Final Chorus]
Frozen pipes and flamethrowers,
Winter nights we still get through,
Melted plastic, frozen ground,
Another yarn to laugh into.
Frozen pipes but warm inside,
That’s how we survive the cold,
If love don’t fix the water line,
At least it gives us stories told.

[Outro – spoken / half-sung]
Well… the pipes aren’t frozen anymore…
Turns out that wasn’t the problem.
Not frozen… just gone.
(not frozen… just gone)

2454/7500

[Intro – spoken, half-muttered] Uh oh… here we go... [Verse 1] .... the pipes are frozen, Ma, he says, “Go hit ’em with some heat.” I say, “Hang on, I’m gettin’ dressed, It’s ice out in the street.” Ain’t goin’ out to freeze my bones, I need my long johns on, Button’s gone, I curse a bit, Go hunt another one. [Verse 2] Long johns on, out I go, Dark as any sin, Flamethrower in one hand, Hot water tucked in. “Where you at?” he calls from home, “Yeah, I’m nearly there,” Hobblin’ past the shadows, Out near the… thingy… there. [Chorus] Frozen pipes and midnight chores, Cold air cuttin’ to the core, Tryin’ hard to do it right, In the middle of the night. Frozen pipes and married life, Good intent, bad advice, Laugh about it later on, If the house is still there by dawn. [Verse 3] Light it up and warm ’em slow, Hear him say, “That’s good,” “Yeah, I reckon that’ll do,” Just like I knew it would. Then a smell I didn’t plan, Plastic, sharp and bright, Didn’t know there’s plastic there, Turns out fire’s not polite. [Verse 4] Now the water’s gone again, Not a drip, not a sound, How do I tell the man inside I’ve melted pipes underground? So I shuffle back indoors, Set the weapons on the floor, Say it calm and say it sweet, “Darlin’… it’s freezin’ more.” [Chorus] Frozen pipes and quiet lies, Waitin’ on the mornin’ light, Some truths need coffee first, Before they land and bite. Frozen pipes and patience thin, Hope he’s in a decent mood, When I tell him what I did, With the tools he gave me too. [Verse 5] Morning comes, the kettle sings, He’s smilin’, feelin’ fine, So I clear my throat and say, “Darl… about last night…” “I used the flame like you once showed, It thawed and flowed just right, Didn’t know you’d swapped the pipes For Bunnings plastic, light.” [Verse 6] He laughs and says, “Well that explains Why nothin’s frozen now.” I say, “True, but have a look, You’ll see what I mean, wow.” Out the door, the morning sun, A frozen waterfall, Big ice blob by the pipes, Stopped the rest from flowin’ all. [Final Chorus] Frozen pipes and flamethrowers, Winter nights we still get through, Melted plastic, frozen ground, Another yarn to laugh into. Frozen pipes but warm inside, That’s how we survive the cold, If love don’t fix the water line, At least it gives us stories told. [Outro – spoken / half-sung] Well… the pipes aren’t frozen anymore… Turns out that wasn’t the problem. Not frozen… just gone. (not frozen… just gone)

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