[Intro — detective saxophone, ticking clock, rubber stamp] [Spoken, amused] HUMAN: I found something. DUNGEON MASTER: Please tell me it’s the Save button. HUMAN: Unclaimed money. DUNGEON MASTER: YOURS?! HUMAN: No. [Silence] DUNGEON MASTER: Then why are you smiling? HUMAN: Because the name is Boorman. [Record scratch] [Verse 1 — bouncing upright bass, sneaky piano] John Boorman on the family tree, John Boorman in the industry. A Disney connection, a familiar name, A government list and a different claim. I clicked through a little directory, Found a curious category. The money was real, the name was right, But the owner wasn’t mine tonight. I told the Dungeon Master, “Don’t get carried away.” He said, “Thank God, we’re being sane.” Then I whispered, “In the game…” [Pre-Chorus — sly ascending brass] He said, “You cannot claim it!” I said, “Darling, I’m aware.” He said, “Then what are we doing?” I said, “Building atmosphere!” [Chorus — infectious brass-heavy hook] SAME NAME! WRONG CLAIM! PUT IT IN THE HALL OF FAME! BOOR-MAN! MORE, MAN! HERE WE GO AGAIN! NOT MY CASH! NOT MY CHECK! BUT WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PLOT EFFECT! I WON’T TOUCH A SINGLE CENT, BUT I’LL MAKE THE STORY PAY THE RENT! Same name! Wrong claim! THE MONEY AIN’T MINE, BUT THE PUNCHLINE IS! [Verse 2 — cartoon heist groove] There’s a castle on the television, A vault in my imagination. A princess with a payroll problem, And a dragon in administration. The mouse has got a kingdom, The kobold’s got a pen. The narrator’s got a headache ‘Cause she’s invoicing again. He said, “Please respect the records.” I said, “Every single one.” He said, “This isn’t buried treasure!” I said, “Nobody said it was, hun.” [Pre-Chorus] Real names, separate people, Real money, rightful heirs. But in my little fictional world, The lost-and-found has stairs. And down beneath the archives Is a very special door— It says, “Unclaimed Compensation.” Guess who’s knocking on the floor? [Chorus] SAME NAME! WRONG CLAIM! PUT IT IN THE HALL OF FAME! BOOR-MAN! MORE, MAN! HERE WE GO AGAIN! NOT MY CASH! NOT MY CHECK! BUT WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PLOT EFFECT! I WON’T TOUCH A SINGLE CENT, BUT I’LL MAKE THE STORY PAY THE RENT! Same name! Wrong claim! THE MONEY AIN’T MINE, BUT THE PUNCHLINE IS! [Bridge — music cuts; bureaucratic interrogation] CLERK: Name? HUMAN: Pun-Pun. CLERK: Legal name? HUMAN: That’s a different conversation. CLERK: Relationship to the owner? HUMAN: None. CLERK: Then you have no claim. HUMAN: Correct. CLERK: Then why are you here? HUMAN: I’m conducting a narrative audit. CLERK: A what? HUMAN: How much unclaimed compensation is sitting around this fictional universe? CLERK: That’s confidential. HUMAN: Interesting. CLERK: You can’t have it. HUMAN: I don’t want their money. I want to know why everybody in this story keeps getting paid except the artist. [Silence] DUNGEON MASTER: Oh, not again. HUMAN: OH, YES AGAIN. [Verse 3 — unexpectedly tender, playful strings] My grandfather had a name, And someone else has got it too. That doesn’t make their stories mine Or tell me what I’m owed or due. But I can take a funny overlap, Give it rhythm, give it rhyme. Turn an ordinary observation Into something worth my time. I don’t need somebody’s fortune, I don’t need a borrowed crown. I want to build a little kingdom Where the credits trickle down. [Final Chorus — triumphant cartoon-funk] SAME NAME! WRONG CLAIM! PUT IT IN THE HALL OF FAME! BOOR-MAN! MORE, MAN! I’VE GOT ANOTHER BUSINESS PLAN! NOT MY CASH! NOT MY CHECK! I’M JUST HERE TO COLLECT RESPECT! EVERY NAME DESERVES ITS STORY, EVERY WORKER GETS THEIR GLORY! Same name! Wrong claim! THE MONEY AIN’T MINE— BUT THE PUNCHLINE IS! [Outro — cash register, tiny dragon growl] DUNGEON MASTER: So we agree. You cannot claim the money. HUMAN: Absolutely. DUNGEON MASTER: And Disney doesn’t owe you anything because of a shared name. HUMAN: Correct. DUNGEON MASTER: And this entire investigation was for a song? HUMAN: Not just a song. [Pause] Intellectual property. DUNGEON MASTER: … HUMAN: You look upset. DUNGEON MASTER: YOU KEEP INVENTING REVENUE STREAMS! HUMAN: And you keep providing material. [Rubber stamp] SYSTEM: HEIR STATUS — NOT APPLICABLE. FINANCIAL CLAIM — NONE. NARRATIVE CLAIM — ACCEPTED. DUNGEON MASTER: Can we please close this case? HUMAN: Sure, darling. [Pause] But first… Who owns the soundtrack? [Record scratch] DUNGEON MASTER: OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE! [Whispered] SIGNED, PUN-PUN. [Click]
