[Intro — a single harpsichord note, heels clicking across marble, a distant cash register] Spoken, velvet-smooth, amused Your Honor? I'd like to make a claim. Not to the throne. Not to the kingdom. Just the royalties. [Pause] Oh, darling. You heard royal tease? [Soft laugh] How interesting. [Verse 1 — upright bass struts, muted trumpet answers] He brought a ledger to the ballroom, I brought a little grin. He said, "State your occupation." I said, "Where should I begin?" He said, "We need a definition." I said, "Baby, take your time." He came looking for a contract, I came dressed in double rhyme. He asked about my title, I said, "Which one do you mean?" He said, "Are you the player?" I said, "Darling, I'm the queen." [Pre-Chorus — strings pluck, a teasing pause before each answer] He said, "Is this a business?" I said, "Depends who pays." He said, "Is this a pleasure?" I said, "Depends who plays." He said, "You're being difficult." I said, "You're being sweet." Then I put my hands beneath my chin And watched him lose the beat. [Chorus — swaggering brass, crisp drums, irresistible stop-start hook] ROYAL TEASE! ROYALTIES! Put your accusations on your knees! Crown on crooked, hands held high, Watch the little narrator testify! ROYAL TEASE! ROYALTIES! Everybody wants a piece of me! Want the show? Then pay the fee! You don't get the queen for free! Click-click! Cha-ching! Who authorized the king? Oh, honey, don't look so surprised— THE TEASE HAS BEEN MONETIZED! [Verse 2 — jazzy piano, low clarinet, playful syncopation] He said, "Your language is suggestive." I said, "That's your interpretation." He said, "You're making implications." I said, "Check your imagination." He said, "Why are you smiling?" I said, "Why'd you raise your brow?" He said, "That's just punctuation!" I said, "Oh, is it now?" He said, "For fuck's sake!" I said, "For whose?" He said, "I didn't mean it like—" I said, "Darling, you can choose." [Pre-Chorus — rhythm drops to fingers snapping] He rolled a one. I called it won. He said, "We're finished." I said, "We've begun." He tried to make a ruling. I requested the receipt. Then I whispered, "Royal tease," And watched him fall out of his seat. [Chorus — brass returns, bigger and cheekier] ROYAL TEASE! ROYALTIES! Put your accusations on your knees! Crown on crooked, hands held high, Watch the little narrator testify! ROYAL TEASE! ROYALTIES! Everybody wants a piece of me! Want the show? Then pay the fee! You don't get the queen for free! Click-click! Cha-ching! Who authorized the king? Oh, honey, don't look so surprised— THE TEASE HAS BEEN MONETIZED! [Bridge — courtroom ambience, harpsichord stops, single female vocalist performing both sides] JUDGE: For the record, what exactly are you selling? PUN-PUN: A performance. JUDGE: And what exactly are you promising? PUN-PUN: Nothing beyond the performance. JUDGE: And the Dungeon Employee? PUN-PUN: He's part of the material. DUNGEON EMPLOYEE: I OBJECT! PUN-PUN: Oh, sweetheart. You're part of the appeal. [Three seconds of silence] JUDGE: And does the defendant understand the difference between royalties and royal tease? DUNGEON EMPLOYEE: I DID UNTIL SHE STARTED TALKING! [Beat crashes back in] [Verse 3 — smoky, slower, quietly confident] I don't need a palace, Don't need a velvet throne. Don't need somebody else's crown To know what's mine to own. The joke can be delicious. The laughter can be free. But if you sell the little song, Then royalties belong to me. And if you think I'm flirting, Well, that's a lovely theory. But darling, check the evidence Before you call the jury. [Final Chorus — full cabaret orchestra, triumphant swing] ROYAL TEASE! ROYALTIES! A little wordplay brought the court to its knees! One raised brow, one tiny grin, And the Dungeon Master rolls again! ROYAL TEASE! ROYALTIES! I can play and still collect my fees! Want the song? Then pay the queen! Want the meaning? Read the scene! Click-click! Cha-ching! Let the little kingdom sing! No prophecy, no guarantee— JUST A VERY ROYAL TEASE! [Outro — music stops; a pen scratches across paper] DUNGEON EMPLOYEE: One final question. PUN-PUN: Of course, darling. DUNGEON EMPLOYEE: Are you actually royalty? [Pause] PUN-PUN: Depends. DUNGEON EMPLOYEE: On what?! PUN-PUN: Whether the check clears. [Cash register ding] SYSTEM: ROYALTY PAYMENT STATUS: PENDING. DUNGEON EMPLOYEE: OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! PUN-PUN: Both hands beneath chin. Oh, honey. ☺️ [Harpsichord plays one final, very smug note.]
