Vote for Me (Because He’s Terrible)

///// Hiring Manager: Welcome, Candidates. We Have One Position Available. Please Tell Us About Your Qualifications, Experience, And--- ///// Candidate #1: Absolutely But First... Don't Hire Him. ///// Candidate #2: Don't Hire Her ///// Hiring Manager: I Haven't Asked Either Of You A Question. [Verse 1] ///// Candidate #1: I've Got Twenty Years Of Experience, References By The Score, I've Led A Team Of Fifty People, And I've Opened Every Door I've Balanced Books And Built Departments, I've Turned A Profit Year By Year ///// Candidate #2: That's All Very Interesting... But Have You Heard About Her Character? ///// Candidate #1: My Character? ///// Candidate #2: Oh, Yes [Chorus] ///// Candidate #2: Vote For Me ///// Candidate #1: Vote For Me ///// Both: Because She's Terrible / Because He's Terrible ///// Candidate #1: He's Reckless ///// Candidate #2: She's Hopeless ///// Both: Completely Unsuitable Don't Ask What We Can Do, Just Ask What THEY Have Done We'll Tell You All Their Faults Before We Tell You One ///// All: Vote For Me Vote For Me Because He's Terrible [Verse 2] ///// Hiring Manager: Perhaps We Could Return To The Job And Discuss What You Can Bring. ///// Candidate #1: I'm Glad You Asked I Know The Industry Inside And Out ///// Candidate #2: She Once Made A Spreadsheet Error ///// Candidate #1: It Was Twelve Years Ago ///// Candidate #2: But It Was Poorly Made ///// Candidate #1: He Once Missed A Deadline ///// Candidate #2: By Three Hours ///// Candidate #1: Three Hours Is Still A Crime ///// Candidate #2: And You Want This Woman To Run The Department? ///// Candidate #1: At Least I Can Tell The Time [Break] ///// Candidate #1: He's Arrogant ///// Candidate #2: She's Lazy ///// Candidate #1: He's Careless ///// Candidate #2: She's Crazy ///// Hiring Manager: Please Stop ///// Candidate #1: He's Selfish ///// Candidate #2: She's Rude ///// Hiring Manager: Please ///// Candidate #1: He's Clueless ///// Candidate #2: She's Crude ///// Hiring Manager: Could Someone Tell Me What You Actually--- ///// Both: Vote For Me [Verse 3] ///// Candidate #3: I've Managed Major Projects, Negotiated Contracts, Solved Complex Problems And Improved The Bottom Line. ///// Candidate #1: That's Suspicious. ///// Candidate #3: What? ///// Candidate #2: Far Too Reasonable. ///// Candidate #1: Definitely Hiding Something. ///// Candidate #3: I'm Simply Describing My Experience. ///// Candidate #2: Exactly What Someone Hiding Something Would Say [Bridge] ///// Hiring Manager: Wait. What Have You Built? What Have You Learned? What Problems Have You Solved? What Makes You Suited For This Job? ///// Candidate #1: I Have A Five-Point Plan. ///// Hiring Manager: Wonderful. ///// Candidate #1: Step One: Explain Why He's Terrible. ///// Hiring Manager: Oh, No. [Final Chorus] ///// All: Vote For Me Vote For Me Because He's Terrible Because She's Unbearable ///// Candidate #3: I Have Relevant Experience ///// Candidates #1 & #2: Irrelevant ///// Candidate #3: I Increased Productivity ///// Candidate #1: He Can't Be Trusted ///// Candidate #3: I Reduced Expenses ///// Candidate #2: She's Impossible ///// Candidate #3: I Managed A Team ///// All: Look What The Other Candidate Did [Rapid Counterpoint] ///// Candidate #1: Vote For Me ///// Candidate #2: Vote For Me ///// Candidate #3: Can I Please ///// Candidate #1: He's Incompetent ///// Candidate #2: She's Arrogant ///// Candidate #3: I've Got A Résumé ///// Hiring Manager: I Need A Candidate ///// All: He's A Disaster She's A Disgrace ///// Hiring Manager: Stop [Ending] ///// Hiring Manager: I've Interviewed Accountants, Engineers, Salespeople, Executives And Interns. But Never... ...A Traveling Circus. ///// Candidate #3: Actually, I Think The Circus Has Better Qualifications. ///// Hiring Manager: You're Hired. ///// Hiring Manager: The Circus. [Finale] ///// All: Vote For Me Vote For Me Because He's Terrible ///// Hiring Manager: That's It --- Interviews Are Over