This message was too long to put in the captions. Sorry for the wall of text, but I think it is necessary. :P If you are wondering why the intro instrumentals are so long, it is so you can listen to them while reading this note. Even with the length of the instrumentals, I don't think you could read this whole thing before the lyrics kick in lol. This is an [ICEWAVE] song, so it is time to get serious. I admit that I am anxious before and after I release a track, but this one... I am honestly half terrified of what you might think about it, and my story that goes with it. This song is about the trauma I had surrounding my first real romantic relationship, and how it effected me after. It was not a healthy one in any way. This was hard to write for several reasons, but a big one is... I don't remember her name. I know this stuff happened, but I had so many things messing with my head at that time, and my brain blocked out so many things. I am to this day finding out about things that had been blocked out from my mind. Whenever I speak about this stuff to people IRL, I just say that I don't like saying her name... It is a lot easier to say that instead of trying to explain to them that I do not remember her name. This is one of the key important aspects of this song. I did not write the Chorus, at least not consciously. I have had sleep paralysis a total of two times, and the first one was the most vivid. It was back when I was in grade ten, sophomore year in high school, right after my relationship ended. During my sleep paralysis, I was laying in bed of course, but couldn't move. I didn't see anything odd, besides a pair of hands that gently covered my eyes as a soft voice whispered into my ear "Forget her name, ignore the pain / let your memories leave with the rain / I'm sorry you need this to be sane /Just remember, not all girls act the same". Was it some form of demon, or angel that was trying to help me for some reason? Maybe. Was it my mind trying to somehow make sense of what it could handle, and decided that the things with her were best forgotten forever? Also maybe. I don't know at the end of the day. You probably don't believe me, none of my IRL friends believed this when I told them that (although to be fair, I only told like three people IRL). So I had forgotten her name, but I still had this lingering dread inside me. It had developed a genuine fear of women in my brain. Before then, I never cared if I was talking to a man or a woman, but it became frightening to do so. It was only within about two years after graduating high school when my mental state improved significantly. With my mental state improving, the memories started to come back, and they came back hard. It was like the weight of the world was compressing my lungs out of nowhere. I think I remember nearly everything that she did to me at this point, and I am not going to get into specifics on any of that. I was young and stupid, she was young and stupid. I am sure she is living with some form of weight relating to our experiences today as well. I do not hate her, I just wish she has a good life, because none of us deserve to suffer forever for mistakes we make as kids/teenagers. I still can't remember her name though. Maybe I will one day, but I genuinely don't know if it would do any good. I have accepted the past, and everything that has happened, I have moved on. The trauma doesn't affect me nearly as bad as it did when it came swinging at me just a year or so ago. Isn't it wild how our brains work? How memories can be suppressed like that for years, only to come back stronger than ever before when you are in a place in life where they don't matter? I don't know how relatable this story is. Of course the heartbreak, and toxic relationship aspect is one many others would relate to. But how many people forget the names of the first person they fell for? I know at least one person has. I do think it was ultimately a blessing for me to forget when I did. It was during a time where I was already dangerously on the brink of ending up somewhere I could never have come back from. If I had the relationship trauma on top of all that, I think I wouldn't be here today. I have healed, and come so far despite everything. I am not afraid of women anymore, thanks to some very wonderful ladies who I am honored to call my friends, and some family members as well. I digress. The purpose of this song is to share my story with anyone else who finds themselves recovering, or in a toxic relationship with a partner, regardless of who you are. You have value. Your suffering is valid. Things will be brighter. Not everything is your fault. I wish I had better words to say other than that, and what I put in the song here. You are not alone in your pain. TLDR: This song is to heal my own wounds, and others wounds from toxic relationships. This has been the hardest song for me to write so far. It will only be harder as I continue with [ICEWAVE]. Although, there will be easier tracks for it as well on the way. Only time will tell what I share next in this series. Take care of yourselves. 🃏🧊 ----------------------------------------------------------- [Lyrics start at 1:50] How did you end up like this? Were you a fool for giving her your trust? No, you weren't, it was your first kiss Sucks it was with a girl who left you to rust Yeah, love is something we all need And sometimes, rough is all we can get There isn't a guide for us to read So we sometimes do things we regret You know she probably felt like trash You weren't the best either, you know But that doesn't excuse her causing the crash Neither of you could have made the right glow The two of you were kids, nothing more Don't kick yourself for stumbling at the door There will be another, who will really be yours (Until then, here is how you'll cope) Forget her name, ignore the pain let your memories leave with the rain I'm sorry you need this to be sane Just remember, not all girls act the same And you did forget her name That pain was suppressed But when another girl came It still made you depressed That one girl made you scared "Just like her, they will all use me" Well, that is just not fair There were many women that made you flee The ones who would point and laugh The ones who tore you in half Don't forget about what your mother did Who would blame you? They were awful since you were a kid But lucky for you, your heart did grow And the ones with hearts started to show Your mother too, has made a change It's ok, let your heart out of the cage Forget her name, ignore the pain let your memories leave with the rain I'm sorry you need this to be sane Just remember, not all girls act the same Yes, you grew, you aren't the same But you still can't remember her name (Do you even want to?) ----------------------------------------------------------- © 2025 The JesterMC