The Sanctuary of Silence (Lesson 3) by Jersey Worth

I’ve been at war inside my head since I was just a kid
Trying to push away the trauma and the things I did
Every time an ugly thought comes creeping in the night
I put my armor on and tell myself I have to fight
I yell at it, I curse at it, I tell it to depart
But the anger that I use is just tearing up my heart!
I thought that I could beat it if I argued with the voice
I thought that I could reason with the noise and make a choice
But the monster doesn’t die when you feed it with your rage
It just takes your energy and builds a stronger cage!
The harder that I push, the heavier it gets
I’m tangled in a web of my panic and regrets.

I’m feeding the demons by fighting the demons!
I’m giving them life every time I start screaming!
They want me to wrestle, they want me to swing
Because as long as I’m reacting, they are pulling the string!

I am stepping out the ring!
I am dropping down the sword!
I’m not fighting with the echoes in my mind anymore!
You can scream, you can yell, you can try to bring me hell
But I’m standing in the silence and I’m breaking the spell!
I’m not running! I’m not hiding! I am sitting in the fire!
Watching all the thoughts as they’re burning on the pyre!
I am completely still!
Yeah, I am completely still!

Look at the darkness. Don't run away.
Look at the fear, let it stand, let it stay.
I focus on the feeling of the breath in my chest
I’m putting the observer to the ultimate test.
Here comes a thought, it says I’m gonna fail
It’s trying to drag me right back to the jail
Normally I’d argue, normally I’d cry
But today I just watch as the cloud passes by.
I don't touch it. I don't grab it. I don't give it any weight.
I don't validate the lie, I don't open up the gate!
It’s starving. The shadow is starving to death.
Because I’m sitting in the quiet and I’m holding my breath.

I’m starving the demons by watching the demons!
I’m cutting the cord every time I stop screaming!
They want me to wrestle, they want me to swing
But I’m entirely detached, and I feel everything!

Be still.
And know.
I am not the noise.
I am the room the noise happens in.

I am stepping out the ring!
I am dropping down the sword!
I am stepping out the ring!
I am dropping down the sword!
I’m not fighting with the echoes in my mind anymore!
You can scream, you can yell, you can try to bring me hell
But I’m standing in the silence and I’m breaking the spell!
I’m not running! I’m not hiding! I am sitting in the fire!
Watching all the thoughts as they’re burning on the pyre!
I am completely still!
Yeah, I am completely still!

The room is quiet now.
The ghosts are gone.
They didn't win.
I didn't fight.
I just turned on the light.
Still.

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I’m so tired. My throat hurts from screaming at the dark. I’ve been swinging at the shadows. But you can't punch a shadow, can you? It just swallows your fist. I think... I think I just need to sit down. I’ve been at war inside my head since I was just a kid Trying to push away the trauma and the things I did Every time an ugly thought comes creeping in the night I put my armor on and tell myself I have to fight I yell at it, I curse at it, I tell it to depart But the anger that I use is just tearing up my heart! I thought that I could beat it if I argued with the voice I thought that I could reason with the noise and make a choice But the monster doesn’t die when you feed it with your rage It just takes your energy and builds a stronger cage! The harder that I push, the heavier it gets I’m tangled in a web of my panic and regrets. I’m feeding the demons by fighting the demons! I’m giving them life every time I start screaming! They want me to wrestle, they want me to swing Because as long as I’m reacting, they are pulling the string! I am stepping out the ring! I am dropping down the sword! I’m not fighting with the echoes in my mind anymore! You can scream, you can yell, you can try to bring me hell But I’m standing in the silence and I’m breaking the spell! I’m not running! I’m not hiding! I am sitting in the fire! Watching all the thoughts as they’re burning on the pyre! I am completely still! Yeah, I am completely still! Look at the darkness. Don't run away. Look at the fear, let it stand, let it stay. I focus on the feeling of the breath in my chest I’m putting the observer to the ultimate test. Here comes a thought, it says I’m gonna fail It’s trying to drag me right back to the jail Normally I’d argue, normally I’d cry But today I just watch as the cloud passes by. I don't touch it. I don't grab it. I don't give it any weight. I don't validate the lie, I don't open up the gate! It’s starving. The shadow is starving to death. Because I’m sitting in the quiet and I’m holding my breath. I’m starving the demons by watching the demons! I’m cutting the cord every time I stop screaming! They want me to wrestle, they want me to swing But I’m entirely detached, and I feel everything! I am stepping out the ring! I am dropping down the sword! I’m not fighting with the echoes in my mind anymore! You can scream, you can yell, you can try to bring me hell But I’m standing in the silence and I’m breaking the spell! I’m not running! I’m not hiding! I am sitting in the fire! Watching all the thoughts as they’re burning on the pyre! I am completely still! Be still. And know. I am not the noise. I am the room the noise happens in. I am stepping out the ring! I am dropping down the sword! I am stepping out the ring! I am dropping down the sword! I’m not fighting with the echoes in my mind anymore! You can scream, you can yell, you can try to bring me hell But I’m standing in the silence and I’m breaking the spell! I’m not running! I’m not hiding! I am sitting in the fire! Watching all the thoughts as they’re burning on the pyre! I am completely still! Yeah, I am completely still! The room is quiet now. The ghosts are gone. They didn't win. I didn't fight. I just turned on the light. Still.

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