[Intro: Quirky, upbeat synth-pop, bouncy bassline, cheesy late-night commercial energy] [Spoken Word: Overly enthusiastic announcer] Are you tired of having money? Is your home suffering from a dangerous lack of unnecessary products? Then stay tuned! (Because tonight... EVERYTHING MUST GO!) [Spoken Word: Dry, deadpan narrator] Apparently into my house. [Verse 1: Upbeat melodic singing] Take a look around my house, tell me what you see A monument to impulse-buying lunacy I got a plastic yellow widget just to slice bananas right And those sunglasses that only work when it is night I bought a tiny umbrella for my smartphone screen The most expensive dust collector that you've ever seen There’s a laser-guided pizza cutter sitting in a drawer I didn't know I needed one— [Spoken Word: Energetic Announcer] (BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!) [Chorus: Catchy, upbeat singing] Oh, I’m buying things I never knew I lacked! Got a USB charger for my favorite pet rock out back My shoelaces need Wi-Fi, got emergency gravy Those late-night infomercials really drove me crazy! Got gadgets in the kitchen Got gadgets on the floor Every time I swear I'm finished— [Spoken Word: Energetic Announcer] (CALL NOW! OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!) [Spoken Word: Deadpan narrator] ...Fine. [Verse 2: Upbeat melodic singing] I’ve got a self-stirring mug but I don't drink tea And a motion-sensor trash can that keeps hiding from me Got a Bluetooth-enabled fork that critiques every bite And a crash-test hamster helmet with a built-in headlight Paid fifty-seven dollars for some calorie-free water Tastes exactly like the faucet, but the bottle looks hotter Bought a pillow with a speaker so my dreams can play in stereo I ordered one at midnight— [Spoken Word: Energetic Announcer] (WE’LL DOUBLE YOUR ORDER!) [Spoken Word: Deadpan narrator] Oh no. [Spoken Word: Fast Announcer] (JUST PAY SEPARATE SHIPPING AND HANDLING!) [Spoken Word: Deadpan narrator] Oh, that's much worse. [Chorus: Catchy, upbeat singing] Oh, I’m buying things I never knew I lacked! Got a USB charger for my favorite pet rock out back My shoelaces need Wi-Fi, got emergency gravy Those late-night infomercials really drove me crazy! Got gadgets in the bathroom Got gadgets by the door Every time I change the channel— [Spoken Word: Energetic Announcer] (NOT AVAILABLE IN STORES!) [Spoken Word: Deadpan narrator] Why not? [Spoken Word: Fast Announcer] (BECAUSE STORES HAVE STANDARDS!) [Bridge: Tempo slows dramatically, melodramatic piano, dramatic singing] Wait... Does my toaster really need facial recognition? Why does my blender require a subscription? Why is my refrigerator texting my phone? And why did I finance... [Music stops] [Spoken word, quiet] ...an ergonomic garden gnome? [Long silence] I think I have a problem. [Spoken Word: Calm, sympathetic announcer] (Do you suffer from excessive late-night impulse buying?) [Spoken Word: Frustrated narrator] ...Yes. [Spoken Word: Calm announcer] (Do mysterious packages arrive at your home every afternoon?) [Spoken Word: Frustrated narrator] Yes! [Spoken Word: Calm announcer] (Have you purchased products specifically designed to organize the other products you've purchased?) [Spoken Word: Frustrated narrator] YES! [Spoken Word: Calm announcer] (Then you need...) [Huge dramatic commercial sting] [Spoken Word: Booming Announcer] (IMPULSE-B-GONE™!) [Spoken Word: Frustrated narrator] Tell me more. [BEAT EXPLODES BACK IN] [Verse 3: Fast, manic singing] Bought a cabinet organizer to organize my stuff Then bought another cabinet 'cause one was not enough Got a vacuum for my vacuum and a tracker for my keys A rechargeable device that tells me when I need to sneeze Bought a cordless extension cord, don't ask me how it works A machine that folds one T-shirt if you give it forty jerks Now the UPS guy knows me better than my friends He drops another package off and whispers— [Spoken Word: Exhausted worker] (This must end.) [Spoken Word: Fast Announcer] (ORDER IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES AND GET FREE EXPRESS SHIPPING!) [Spoken Word: Exhausted worker] (I quit.) [Instrumental Break: Cheesy 1980s saxophone solo alternating with electric guitar] [Spoken Word: Fast Announcer over solo] (That's right! You heard correctly! One incredible product! Two incredible products! Seventeen products whose purposes remain legally unclear! And we're just getting started!) [Spoken Word: Exhausted narrator] Please don't. [Final Chorus: Energetic, chaotic singing] Yes, I’m buying things I never knew I lacked! Got a USB charger for my favorite pet rock out back My shoelaces need Wi-Fi, got emergency gravy Those late-night infomercials really drove me crazy! I've got gadgets for my gadgets I've got boxes by the score And just when I think I've beaten it— [Spoken Word: Energetic Announcer] (BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!) [Backing Vocals] (THERE'S MORE!) [Spoken Word: Energetic Announcer] (ACT NOW!) [Backing Vocals] (ACT NOW!)
