[Intro – MC Mic Check, Crowd Noise, Wheel-Up FX] (Oi… oi… oi…!) (Who brought this guy, bruv?) (Rewind that…) (REWIND THAT!) [MC shouts:] “Oi fam… serious question, yeah— WHAT. ARE. YOU. SMOKIN’?” ⸻ [Drop 1 – Bass slams, UKG swing] ⸻ [Chorus – Call & Response, Crowd Chant] What are you smokin’? ‘Cause that ain’t loud, that’s potpourri! What are you smokin’? Smells like regret and bad life choices, G! What are you smokin’? Man said “Cali”—that’s Calais weed! What are you smokin’? Oi bruv, be honest, don’t lie to me! [Crowd:] (WHAT ARE YOU SMOKIN’?) ⸻ [Verse 1 – East London MC, Fast & Sarcastic] Man rolled up confident, chest all proud, Said “Trust me bro, this one’s LOUD.” I took one sniff, nearly fell off my chair, Smells like hay mixed with nan’s armchair. Said it’s “exotic,” bruv please relax, That came vacuum-sealed with council tax. Ash went white? Nah mate—brown, Like you scraped it off Hackney ground. He said “One zoot will spin your head,” I smoked the whole thing—now I just feel dead. Not high, not waved, just mildly upset, Like I queued for Nando’s and got wet bread. ⸻ [Pre-Chorus – Beat Pulls Back, Dub Echo] Oi… Be real with yourself… If it smells like soup… It’s not a strain, bruv. ⸻ [Chorus – Bigger, Dirtier] What are you smokin’? ‘Cause that ain’t gas, that’s a hate crime! What are you smokin’? Man rolled it tight but forgot the high! What are you smokin’? Said “medical”—bro, that’s medicinal LIES! What are you smokin’? Oi DJ—wheel that back one time! [REWIND SFX] ⸻ [Verse 2 – Faster Flow, DnB Switch] Man pulled out bud lookin’ fluffy and neat, Soon as he sparked it—SMELLS LIKE FEET. Talking ‘bout terps, using big boy words, But the flavour tastes like burnt herbs. He said “Trust me, it creeps up slow,” Bruv it crept off fast, where’d it go? Eyes ain’t red, mouth ain’t dry, Only thing lifted was my disappointment high. You got it off your cousin’s mate’s friend, Who “knows a guy” — yeah, that’s the trend. If your plug says “fam this one’s rare,” And spells ‘rare’ wrong—don’t go there. ⸻ [Bridge – Spoken, Echoed, Crowd Laughing] Oi… Man’s not judging… But if your weed smells like Sunday roast— PUT IT OUT. ⸻ [Drop 2 – Rave Chaos, Airhorns, Sirens] ⸻ [Chorus – Call & Response Chaos] What are you smokin’? Not that, not that, keep it away! What are you smokin’? Smells like stress and unpaid rent, mate! What are you smokin’? Man said “trust the source”—I can’t! What are you smokin’? Oi security—get this man out the dance! ⸻ [Verse 3 – Comedy Breakdown, Half-Shouted Bars] Ash tray crying, grinder offended, Even my lighter said “nah fam, end it.” Rolled it once, then rolled it again, Still didn’t hit—this weed’s insane. Man said “Nah you gotta hit it right,” Bruv I hit it left, centre, day and night. If this is loud then I’m deaf, If this is strong then I’m emotionally bereft. I don’t want beef, I don’t want chat, Just don’t sell man herbs labelled as crack. If your bud got seeds doing parkour jumps, That’s not flavour—THAT’S A STUNT. ⸻ [Final Chorus – Everything Maxed Out] WHAT ARE YOU SMOKIN’? Tell the truth, don’t gas your mates! WHAT ARE YOU SMOKIN’? That’s not haze—that’s a mistake! WHAT ARE YOU SMOKIN’? If it tastes like fear—don’t pass that! WHAT ARE YOU SMOKIN’? Oi DJ—ONE MORE FUCKIN’ RELOAD! [Multiple rewinds, crowd screaming] ⸻ [Outro – Laughing, Sirens Fade] Oi… No offence, yeah… But next time you say “I got something special”— KEEP IT SPECIAL AT HOME. [Crowd laughter, airhorn, bass fades]
