Verse 1: Well, I woke up Thursday morning, feeling less than great Glanced over at my dashboard, saw something wasn't straight Eight hundred ninety-five views, eight hundred forty-three souls For a blog that usually gets about thirty on a roll I thought, "Well, that's peculiar" Then I felt worse and forgot about it Chorus 1: Your stats are booming, the message said People recognizing all the words you've spread But I know my readers, I can count 'em on one hand So who are all these visitors across the land? What does it mean? What does it mean? When the numbers climb but nothing's as it seems Verse 2: Now, in the past when bots came through, they'd hit each post just once Efficient little crawlers, they weren't exactly dunce But these new sophisticated digital friends of mine Keep reading the same articles from 2009 Over and over Very thorough, I suppose Verse 3: So I reached out to support, posted on the forum too "Is anyone else seeing this?" Nobody else, just you One fellow said "it's bots" with a condescending air Pointed me to articles that led me nowhere "WordPress filters bots," they said "Well, these must be the new sophisticated kind" Chorus 2: Day four, day five, day six, day seven Six thousand visitors, like a slice of heaven ClusterMaps and Analytics, Google Search Console too All showing different cities, different IPs coming through What does it prove? What does it prove? When sophisticated bots can't be removed Verse 4: Nineteen from Canada! I didn't know they had that many folks But the ClusterMap tells different stories, must be elaborate hoaxes Same posts downloaded, same PDFs again Super-duper bots that act like super-duper men From different locations At different times Reading my thoughts from fifteen years ago Bridge: I said, "WordPress, my friend, if this keeps up, stats mean nothing at all" They said, "Well, trends still matter, you can see the rise and fall" I scrolled through all my top posts, barely saw a one from this year The insight that I'm gaining is I should've quit, I fear Back when the stats were honest Or at least consistently dishonest Verse 5: So I made a little joke about WordAds and coffee money they might bring Learned they track mouse movements, scrolling, clicking, everything To tell if ads are actually seen by human eyes But they can't use that same data to see through bot disguise Interesting Very interesting indeed Chorus 3: "You need tens of thousands monthly to buy that cup of joe Based on your current traffic, you're getting pretty close, you know" Current traffic—do they mean these bots that can't be caught? Or my regular dozen readers giving it a thought? What does it matter? What does it matter? When the numbers are just digital chatter Outro: So I'll keep on posting, ignoring the boom While sophisticated bots crowd into the room Reading what I thought about back in days of old While my handful of real readers stay true and bold And maybe, just maybe, if these bots keep coming 'round I'll earn enough for coffee If they ever get found (spoken) But probably not.
