There’s an old joke about a drunk named Johnny who picked up a drunk broad at a bar. She kept babbling about some damn “days,” but the booze was louder. Next morning, Johnny wakes up in a cheap motel, dying of a hangover. Sheet’s covered in blood. His hands are bloody. “Holy shit... I must’ve killed her.” He looks in the mirror: “Oh, fuck... AND I probably ATE THIS BITCH.” You know that joke? Well, the song isn’t about that! 😂 [Genre: Dark Comedy Outlaw Country × Honky-Tonk. Tempo: 105 BPM. 4/4. Upbeat, loose, swaggering barroom groove. Cheerful, rowdy music contrasting with completely serious, absurd lyrics. Very low, raspy, mature male baritone/bass. Dry, deadpan, matter-of-fact delivery, conversational and rhythmically tight, almost spoken in verses. Slight drunken swagger, but never sloppy or theatrical. No shouting, belting, comedy voice or exaggerated acting. Catchy repetitive chorus with strong rhythmic emphasis on “My first broad” and especially “I gobbled!” Keep the vocal low and completely serious; humor comes from repetition and musical confidence. Instrumentation: walking upright bass, dry punchy kick/snare, tight hi-hat, twangy electric guitar with short fills, acoustic rhythm guitar, honky-tonk/barrelhouse piano, occasional pedal steel or slide guitar accents. Live-band feel. Leave rhythmic space for long conversational verse lines. Instrumental fills should answer the vocal. Warm vintage analog character, slightly rough edges, intimate dry vocal, moderate room ambience. No modern pop production, trap, EDM, electronic percussion, glossy country, cinematic build-up, choir, orchestra, female vocals or autotune.] [[Instrumental Intro] [Verse 1] It became a goddamn mess, My first youthful sexual experience. The passion of two young bodies turned into a problem. [Chorus] My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! [Instrumental Break.] [Verse 2] Maybe I got nervous, maybe I got pissed, Maybe I just got way too worked up — you get the gist. Well, here's the result — I really bobbled. [Chorus] My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! [Instrumental Break.] [Verse 3] I don't know what came over me that night, Maybe all that booze just fucked my brain up tight. I drank quite a lot — got totally wobbled. [Chorus] My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! [Instrumental Break.] [Verse 4] No girlfriends since then, not a single dame, And my zipper stays locked — I won't play that game. Enough of them for me — once I got in trouble. [Chorus] My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! [Instrumental Break.] [Chorus] My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! My first broad, my first broad — I gobbled! [Extended Instrumental Outro: Gradually fades out.]
