I feel so alone A stranger in my own home Had to focus on music Cuz of depression (I didn't choose it) So now I'm regressin' Testing my own limits Stressin' while confessin' Hoping gramps will come an' gimme a visit Cuz I'm a ghost of what I was meant to be Free to leave, but scared to free fall Cuz I don't know if I'll find me when there's nothing left to lose at all. I spend days and nights fighting the urge with all my might writing my own dirge in the middle of the night slippin' slight against the skin It's a sin, so i stop again Shake it off and then give it some fight i'm right... right? I might be. Or maybe i'm just a glutton for "me" Shut in a dark room contemplatin' cuttin' But that stubborn inner voice hits the reset button on my anxiety and doubt, changes my mind towards piety and won't let me die out. So i bite down hard on my lip and push through Hold in my breath 'til my face is turnin' blue death can kick rocks, tick-tock, clock is tickin while i write a track, mouse is click-click-clickin' and then i release: I'm unloadin' heavy emotion directly into a digital stream an' convertin' the scream to a frequency - waking me out of a dream Makin' the audio editing the trauma erasing the thought of the blade rebuilding my name out of every mistake and memory that I made while gramps is watchin' over the shoulder tellin' me to hold down the fort turnin' that ghost of my fear into a force that I gotta support not goin' under i'm pullin' the trigger on every arrangement I bounce weighing the worth of my life in the bar, making every millisecond count. Many seconds countin' down an' another hour wasted sitting in the dark again Sweat upon my brow i'm grippin' on the plastic lookin' for a place to start again Struggling to articulate the heavy in my sternum pressing down upon my lungs i'm spittin' with adrenaline on my screen an' i'm choking on a couple hundred native tongues fingers on the keyboard movin' by themselves before my brain can even process it tryin' to contain another episode i'm watchin' how the habit tries to conquer it I don't get a break an' I don't get a pass I just sit and I feed the airway green tryin' to keep the rhythm steady just try'na make the rhymes scheme for me. Jaw aching from the clenching with pressure building behind the eyes every time i take a breath i'm waiting for the panic to arrive left hand resting on the shortcuts right hand clickin' on the arrangement still livin' in the same house, trapped inside the exact same estrangement gramps still be standin' in the corner of the room (awake) watching every keystroke knowing that i'm hangin' by a thread tryin' not to let the final piece break I ain't gettin' any better just gettin' practiced movin' through the routine fast hoping that the sudden surge of adrenaline is gonna be enough to make the night last clickin' on the mute button soloin' the vocal track listenin' to everything i try to hide starin' at the screen while the waveform shows every little tremor that i got inside I cut the silence out stretch the audio align the syllables until they fit the grid doin' every single thing i can to keep from breakin' down the way i always did focus on the technical focus on the meter focus on the cadence in the headphones— anything to stop the mind from drifting back to the feeling of "I'm sittin' here alone". Look at how the hand moves faster than thought can process muscle memory takin' the lead I don't gotta think about the placement of the syllable I only gotta focus on the speed an' when the dark gets heavy then the fingers get twitchy double-click trim align render try'na replace the habit with another fuckin' habit fightin' the urge to surrender I bite down harder on the lower lip—skin torn up blood tastin' metallic mind corrupt in a spiral but the delivery is gettin' emblematic gramps told me "keep your head up an hold down the fort" so i'm sittin at my desk 'til my back hurts staring at the same four walls writin' another thousand dark words searchin' for a magic fix an' a sudden shift cuz no light brightening in the room it's an adaptational habit i developed to survive inside my self-made doom an' the clock keeps tickin' down tick-tock tick-tock mouse button clickin' in the quiet turning every single bit of silence in my head to an unguaranteed pontifical right sinking deeper in depression with the weight and the sight of a stranger when i look into the glass only thing changed is the rate of the cadence and how quick I can make a bar pass! Swipin' through the quiet with a traveller's trickery, keepin' every single thought tight draggin' with a poker face across the skyline, try'na make it through the night my fingers moving over controls without hesitation runnin' on pure instinct now gramps is watchin over me keepin' me grounded even though I don't know how I hold my breath an' push through the pain click the mouse let the audio run sittin' in the middle of the same ol' struggle but i keep it goin' till im done
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