[INTRO – bright luxury-resort sales voice] Hey! Welcome to the suite, let the tour begin You know better, but you’re checking in Ninety little minutes, what’s the waste? Do ya, do ya, do ya wanna taste? [VERSE 1 – smooth seductive sales pitch] Luxury seating with a rear-facing view Zero money down if you’re approved Got a private entrance, got a heated seat It’s the premium model, now pucker up sweet Two cheeks standard, clapping package deluxe You say “too expensive,” I say “worth the bucks” Sign it up, lock it in, place a little bet If you came for freedom, wrong address [PRE-CHORUS – pressure building] Low down payment, high-class vice You’ve got the money, don’t ask the price Come a little closer, don’t be shy You wanna know why? [CHORUS – enormous celebratory drop] Do ya, do ya, do ya wanna taste? Eat my ass—it tastes like Tootsie Rolls Do ya, do ya, wanna take that chance? One week a year with your face as my pants Why settle for heaven, let’s go to space I got one ass and you got one face Do ya, do ya, do ya wanna taste? Come on, baby, don’t let this offer go to waste HEY! HEY! Sign! Date it! HEY! HEY! Can’t escape it! [VERSE 2 – upbeat subscription upsell] Kiss it down below, pay up above Cancel any time—in person, with love Terms and conditions hanging from my chain But why read nerdy when dirty is the game? I don’t do refunds, I don’t do shame Terms can be altered, benefits may change You can call it fraud, I call it cute I’m the whole damn sales team in thigh-high boots [PRE-CHORUS – pressure intensifies] Free trial period, roll the dice One little lick and you’re billed for life Come a little closer, don’t be shy You wanna know why? [CHORUS – enormous celebratory drop] Do ya, do ya, do ya wanna taste? Eat my ass—it tastes like Tootsie Rolls Do ya, do ya, wanna take that chance? One week a year with your face as my pants Why settle for heaven, let’s go to space I got one ass and you got one face Do ya, do ya, do ya wanna taste? Come on, baby, don’t let this offer go to waste [BRIDGE – cheerful commercial jingle, smiling legal threat] Read the fine print Check the box One quick sign Check my box Waive your rights That’s the deal I’ll waive my tights And click my heels [Rapid whispered disclaimer] Mandatory arbitration. Some restrictions apply. Clapping Package not included. I said ooh… You look solvent Ooh… That means yes So tell me… [BREAKDOWN – aggressive call to action] DO YA? DO YA? DO YA WANNA TASTE? DO YA? DO YA? COME ON, DON’T WAIT! CANDY! CASTLE! ITS MY TOOTSIE ROLL ASSHOLE! Prices go higher Hour after hour! [FINAL CHORUS – ecstatic corporate victory] Do ya, do ya, do ya wanna taste? Premium pleasure all over your face Do ya, do ya, wanna take that chance? Sign on the line and finance romance We’re fully financed, beautifully strange One little signature, ownership changed Do ya, do ya, do ya wanna taste? Congratulations, baby— Your face is legally my pants! [OUTRO – cheerful commercial sign-off] Face on the lease Ass underneath Do ya, do ya, do ya wanna taste? SOLD! [Spoken] Thank you for choosing Ass Pop. Complimentary nose wipes are part of the premium package
