\[INTRO — Fake breaking news\] (Dramatic news music) Ladies and gentlemen… We interrupt your regularly scheduled bullshit. A grown man has come forward. After fourteen days of unimaginable suffering. His statement? (Whiny male voice) "PNW Chick… laughed at me." (Silence) Oh, that poor son of a bitch. (808 DROPS) ### \[VERSE 1\] I said laughing at folks ain't cool, that's facts, Hackney came flying in — "EXPLAIN THAT!" I said, "Explain what?" He said, "YOU KNOW!" Apparently I laughed about two weeks ago. Two whole weeks? You been sitting on that? Had a grudge in the fridge with a date on the back. Pulled it out fresh, said, "EVERYBODY, LOOK!" Boy, you held that laugh like an overdue book. I said I don't recall, he said I'm fake, Damn, that's a lot of emotion for a giggle to make. I'm trying to remember, he's ready to fight, Been practicing this speech in the mirror every night. Could've hit my DMs, could've settled it straight, But you needed a crowd and a public debate. Well, technically it could've waited — you waited fourteen days, Then called a press conference to report my face. ### \[HOOK — Whiny male voice, female ad-libs\] "PNW CHICK LAUGHED AT MEEEE!" (Oh my God! Is he okay?) "PNW CHICK LAUGHED AT MEEEE!" (Did anybody call FEMA?) "SHE LAUGHED AT ME! SHE LAUGHED AT ME!" (Somebody start a GoFundMe!) "SHE LAUGHED AT ME! SHE LAUGHED AT ME!" (Protect this man from comedy!) Two weeks, two weeks, He been holding that hurt for two weeks. I don't remember, he can't forget, Somebody get this man a cigarette. ### \[VERSE 2 — Deadpan, cocky\] Now hold up, wait, ain't this rich? Mr. Talk-That-Shit can't handle that shit? You been handing out jokes like samples at Costco, But somebody laughs and the whole damn shop closed. I'm not saying I didn't, I might've, who knows? You apparently kept that moment preserved in stone. Got my chuckle on file, got the incident logged, Got a whole cold case on a half-second "HA." Did the laugh have a weapon? Did it kick down your door? Did it take your lunch money, leave you crying on the floor? Should I turn myself in? Is there bail for a grin? Can I speak to my lawyer before you start again? And if I hurt you, that's something we can discuss, But why'd you need a live studio audience for us? I'm not above "my bad," I'm not above respect, I'm just wondering why the hell you needed a press event. ### \[HOOK — Bigger, ridiculously dramatic\] "PNW CHICK LAUGHED AT MEEEE!" (Thoughts and prayers, Hackney!) "PNW CHICK LAUGHED AT MEEEE!" (Stay strong for your family!) "SHE LAUGHED AT ME! SHE LAUGHED AT ME!" (This is going in the documentary!) "SHE LAUGHED AT ME! SHE LAUGHED AT ME!" (A moment of silence, please!) ### \[BRIDGE — Fake interview, beat stops\] Reporter: "Sir, when did this happen?" Hackney: "Two weeks ago." Reporter: "And what did she do?" Hackney: "She laughed at me." Reporter: "Were you physically injured?" Hackney: "No." Reporter: "Did you contact her privately?" Hackney: "No." Reporter: "Then why are we here?" (Long pause) Hackney: "BECAUSE PNW CHICK LAUGHED AT MEEEE!" (Bass hits) ### \[FINAL VERSE\] Now listen, my boy, I ain't saying you're wrong, But you held that shit longer than some relationships gone. I forgot the occasion, you preserved the event, Should've charged that grudge for the space that it rent. And if you thought calling me out would make me ashamed, You clearly don't know how I entertain. I take one little moment and exaggerate the rest, You gave me a headline — let me do what I do best. ### \[OUTRO — Whispered\] We reached out to PNW Chick for comment. Her response? (Quiet female laughter) "No comment." (Distant whiny male voice) "SHE'S DOING IT AGAINNNNN!" TO BE CONTINUED…
