# THE GREAT BRITISH ROAST TOUR ## FESTIVAL HEADLINER EDITION **[HOUSE LIGHTS DROP]** Darkness. A distant kettle clicks on. **CLICK.** Five seconds of silence. Then— **BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!** Pyro erupts across the main stage. A ridiculous brass fanfare blasts through the speakers. **ANNOUNCER:** GOOD EVENING, YOU ABSOLUTE DISASTERS! WELCOME TO THE FINAL NIGHT! WE HAVE RECEIVED REPORTS THAT COMMON SENSE HAS LEFT THE FESTIVAL SITE. **CROWD:** OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! **ANNOUNCER:** GOOD. WE DIDN’T NEED IT ANYWAY. --- # [OPENING CHANT] **LEAD:** WHEN I SAY OI— YOU SAY OI! OI! **CROWD:** OI! OI! **CROWD:** OI! OI! OI! **CROWD:** OI! OI! **ALL:** OI! OI! OI! **STOMP — STOMP — CLAP!** OI! OI! OI! **STOMP — STOMP — CLAP!** OI! OI! OI! --- # [MAIN HOOK] **ALL:** PUT THE KETTLE ON! THE WORLD’S GONE WRONG! PUT THE KETTLE ON! AND SING THIS SONG! STOMP YOUR FEET! CLAP ALONG! WE’VE LOST THE PLOT— SO PUT THE KETTLE ON! --- ## [VERSE 1 — BRITAIN] Britain woke up raining, Which surprised absolutely none. The forecast said “light showers.” The sky said: **CROWD:** RUN! A pigeon stole a pasty. A fox stole half a pie. A goose stole somebody’s festival wristband and walked straight through security like: “TRY ME.” **CROWD:** HONK! HONK! HONK! Someone dropped their chips. Everyone went silent. A national tragedy. --- # [HOOK] **ALL:** PUT THE KETTLE ON! THE WORLD’S GONE WRONG! PUT THE KETTLE ON! AND SING THIS SONG! STOMP YOUR FEET! CLAP ALONG! WE’VE LOST THE PLOT— SO PUT THE KETTLE ON! --- # [FAKE FESTIVAL ANNOUNCEMENT] **ANNOUNCER:** ATTENTION FESTIVAL-GOERS. A CHILD’S BLUE WELLINGTON BOOT HAS BEEN HANDED INTO LOST PROPERTY. ALSO MISSING: THREE MOBILE PHONES. ONE TENT. A MAN CALLED GARY. AND THE ENTIRE COUNTRY OF BELGIUM. If you find Belgium, please return it to information. Thank you. --- ## [VERSE 2 — CANADA] CANADA ARRIVES! Polite. Prepared. Holding maple syrup. Britain bumps into Canada. Canada says: “Sorry.” Britain says: “No, mate, my fault.” Canada says: “No, sorry.” Britain says: “No, honestly, sorry.” Seven hours later they’re still apologising. Meanwhile a moose walks past. Nobody questions it. **LEAD:** WHAT’S HIS NAME?! **CROWD:** STEVE! Apparently his name is Steve now. --- # [CROWD HOOK] **LEAD:** CANADA! **CROWD:** SORRY! **LEAD:** BRITAIN! **CROWD:** SORRY! **LEAD:** MOOSE! **CROWD:** STEVE! **LEAD:** WHY?! **CROWD:** NO IDEA! --- ## [VERSE 3 — AMERICA] AMERICA ARRIVES WITH A DRINK THE SIZE OF A TODDLER. Britain says: “That’s a large?” America says: “No, that’s medium.” **CROWD:** OOOOOOOOOH! The burger needs planning permission. The car has its own postcode. The supermarket cereal aisle has a horizon. Someone asks for a small coffee. America hands them Lake Michigan. --- # [CALL AND RESPONSE] **LEAD:** BIG DRINK! **CROWD:** BIG CUP! **LEAD:** BIG CAR! **CROWD:** BIG TRUCK! **LEAD:** BIG BREAKFAST! **CROWD:** GOOD LUCK! **LEAD:** HOW MANY PANCAKES?! **CROWD:** TOO MANY! --- # [FAKE EMERGENCY BULLETIN] **SIREN** **ANNOUNCER:** THIS IS AN IMPORTANT FESTIVAL SAFETY MESSAGE. PLEASE REMAIN CALM. A BAGPIPE PLAYER HAS BEEN SPOTTED NEAR THE MAIN STAGE. Repeat: A BAGPIPE PLAYER IS LOOSE. **BAGPIPES ERUPT** **CROWD:** YEEEEEEEEAAAAAH! **ANNOUNCER:** OH FOR GOD’S SAKE. --- ## [VERSE 4 — SCOTLAND] SCOTLAND HAS ENTERED THE CHAT. Bagpipes. Rain. Mountains. Irn-Bru. And weather that looks personally offended. **LEAD:** SCOTLAND! **CROWD:** AYE! **LEAD:** LOUDER! **CROWD:** AYE! **LEAD:** CAN YOU TURN THE BAGPIPES DOWN?! **CROWD:** NAE! Fair enough. --- ## [VERSE 5 — AUSTRALIA] AUSTRALIA ARRIVES UPSIDE DOWN. Beautiful beaches. Sunshine. Barbecues. And wildlife designed by someone who clearly had a grudge. Spider on the tent? That’s Trevor. Snake under the chair? That’s Keith. Crocodile near catering? **CROWD:** THAT’S DAVE! Why are they all called Dave?! **CROWD:** DON’T KNOW! --- # [MASSIVE FESTIVAL HOOK] **ALL:** PUT THE KETTLE ON! THE WORLD’S GONE WRONG! PUT THE KETTLE ON! AND SING THIS SONG! FROM LONDON TOWN TO TOKYO! WE DON’T KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING— **CROWD:** BUT OFF WE GO! --- ## [VERSE 6 — FRANCE] FRANCE ARRIVES LOOKING IMMACULATE. Britain arrives wearing a poncho made from a bin bag. France has wine. Britain has a warm can of something found near a tent peg. France has pastries. Britain has a sausage roll that survived three separate festivals. France looks at Britain. Britain looks at France. **FRANCE:** Non. **BRITAIN:** Fair. --- ## [VERSE 7 — ITALY] ITALY ENTERS. Someone breaks spaghetti in half. The music stops. The lights go red. A church bell rings in the distance. **ITALIAN VOICE:** Who did that? Nobody moves. **ITALIAN VOICE:** WHO. DID. THAT. **RANDOM CROWD MEMBER:** Gary! **ANNOUNCER:** Gary has now been banned from Italy. --- # [FAKE INTERNATIONAL NEWS] **N
