[Verse 1] Just standing by the water cooler, trying to be polite Making casual conversation on a Tuesday night But Kevin’s staring at me like I said something insane I only wanted clarity, I’m trying to explain Like, how do you tell a coworker you forgot their name for years? And is a sour cream expiration date based on facts or fears? [Pre-Chorus] Why is everyone backing away? Did I say something wrong? I’m just trying to make small talk Why is the silence so long? [Chorus] I’m just asking for a friend! Seriously, it’s not about me! Why’s everybody acting so weird? It’s a hypothetical scenario, see? Yeah, I’m asking for a friend A totally real guy that I know So stop looking at me like that And tell me where the buffet squatting laws go! [Verse 2] [Production: Add a generic synth pad, slightly more frantic bass] Now the breakroom’s getting empty, people leaving one by one I thought that we were bonding, thought that we were having fun But Sarah’s on her cell phone, dialing 911, I think? Because I asked a question while I washed my hands in the sink Like, if your heart rate matches Darude’s 'Sandstorm' beat Is it an ER visit, or a rave out on the street? And if a raccoon steals your credit score and builds it up real high Do you legally have to report that furry little guy? [Pre-Chorus] Why is Kevin locking the door? Why is Sarah starting to cry? It’s just a normal discussion Can somebody tell me why? [Chorus] I’m just asking for a friend! Seriously, it’s not about me! Why’s everybody acting so weird? It’s a hypothetical scenario, see? Yeah, I’m asking for a friend A totally real guy that I know So stop looking at me like that And tell me how much cheese makes the human heart slow! [Bridge] [Production: Music drops out, just a basic hi-hat and a dramatic, slightly spooky synth chord] Hold on, wait, don’t run away, I’ve got one more thing to clear I bought an old antique today, well, he did, my friend did, dear And what does it mean when the holy water sizzles on your skin? And how do you un-curse a mirror before the entity moves in? [Guitar Solo: Extremely average, generic radio-pop guitar solo] [Outro] [Production: Fire alarm sound effect faint in the background, music slows down] Hello? Where did everybody go? The sprinkler system just turned on... People are so sensitive these days. I literally said... it was for a friend. Dave? [Fade out on a single synth note]
