[Style: Dark outlaw gothic country, 92 BPM. Extremely low male bass-baritone lead vocal. Deadpan spoken-sung storytelling with understated Southern drawl, dry irony and quiet black humor. Delivered as if telling the world's most ordinary story while the lyrics are quietly absurd. Sparse acoustic guitar, upright bass, brushed snare, subtle fiddle and dobro, warm vintage analog sound. Intimate, earthy, believable rural Americana. Calm fatalism, restrained performance, no theatrical emotion. No cinematic sound design, no orchestral elements, no trailer music, no epic build-ups, no choir, no vocal harmonies, no female backing vocals, no arena country, no modern pop production, no excessive reverb.] [Instrumental Intro] [Verse 1] To keep from being one more burden on this old world, And never have to keep my brothers, kin, or in-laws amused, Next time around I'll come back plain and simple— A Texas watermelon... one that's hard to bruise. [Refrain] Big, handsome, and striped. [Instrumental Break] [Verse 2] I'd ring sweet and hollow with every good thump. Come August, they'd cut me and load me on a reefer truck, Headin' somewhere up north. I'd be lying in the trailer, Waitin' to be sold. Smilin' all ten bucks. [Refrain] Big, handsome, and striped. [Instrumental Break] [Verse 3] After thumpin' my sides, findin' no yellow spot nor cracks, Slicing a little ruby chunk from my dome, Picking me alone from ten more just like me, A nice sweet lady would carry me home. [Refrain] So big, handsome, and striped. [Instrumental Break] [Verse 4] That evenin' she'll eat half of me and wash it down with wine. She'll drift off with a quiet smile, no troubled mind, no regrets. Plant me again, farmer, out across your fields. A short and sweet life. A worthy fate. [Refrain] For the biggest, the handsomest, the boldest stripes. [Instrumental Break] [Verse 5] Yeah... if a pretty lady picks me, I'd call that mighty fine. Just don't wind up at a Texas shootin' range—don’t you gripe. 'Cause some sharp-shootin' Southern boys'll blow my ass off— Big, handsome, and striped. [Extended Instrumental Outro]
