[Intro — Deep Minimal Bass, Spoken] [DJ CHAMPIGNON] After weeks of trying... After endless frustration... After losing all respect for human coordination... He's back. [THE MAN] Ladies and gentlemen! Prepare to witness perfection! [DJ CHAMPIGNON] Somebody unplug the speakers. [Beat Starts] [Verse 1 — Cool, Repetitive Groove] One step forward, three steps back His left leg's running a separate track His arms go north, his head goes south He's got a helicopter coming out his mouth! He spins around, he hits the floor He accidentally kicks the judge's door The crowd goes wild, the lights go red A woman screams, "HE'S AHEAD!" [DJ CHAMPIGNON — Whispering in Disbelief] Ahead of WHAT?! [Build-Up] LEFT FOOT! WRONG FOOT! BIG SMILE! NO THOUGHT! TURN AROUND! HIT THE GROUND! THE WORST DANCER IN THIS TOWN! [Drop — Hypnotic Bass, Crowd Chants] DANCE! DANCE! MAKE NO SENSE! DANCE! DANCE! LOSE THE FENCE! LEFT! RIGHT! WRONG! RIGHT! SOMEBODY STOP THIS MAN TONIGHT! [Verse 2 — Contest Gets Bigger] The judges whisper, the judges stare He's dancing like a broken office chair He waves one arm, he loses his shoe Then does a move nobody knew! Ten out of ten! The judges shout! The entire audience starts freaking out! [DJ CHAMPIGNON — Outraged] THAT WAS NOT A DANCE MOVE! THAT WAS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY! [THE MAN] Thank you! Thank you! I've trained for years! [DJ CHAMPIGNON] YOU'VE TRAINED FOR NOTHING! [Breakdown — Kick Drum Only] [ANNOUNCER] And the winner is... THE MAN WHO DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH! [THE MAN] I don't understand! But I accept! [DJ CHAMPIGNON] NO! YOU REJECT! YOU GIVE IT BACK! [Massive Drop — Stadium-Sized Electro Hook] HE WON! HE WON! THE WRONG WAY ROUND! HE WON! HE WON! WITHOUT A SINGLE SOUND! NO TECHNIQUE! NO CONTROL! TWO LEFT FEET AND A DISCO SOUL! [Bridge — DJ Champignon's Breakdown] [DJ CHAMPIGNON — Exhausted Spoken Voice] I taught him left. He went right. I taught him stop. He danced all night. I told him freeze. He broke the floor. AND NOW THIS IDIOT IS AN INTERNATIONAL STAR?! [THE MAN] Sorry, DJ... Can you teach me the moonwalk? [DJ CHAMPIGNON] I'M LEAVING THIS PLANET. [Final Chorus — Crowd Chant] DANCE! DANCE! MAKE NO SENSE! DANCE! DANCE! LOSE THE FENCE! LEFT! RIGHT! WRONG! RIGHT! THE WORST DANCER IS THE KING TONIGHT! [Outro — Beat Fades] [THE MAN] So, DJ Champignon... Am I finally a good dancer? [DJ CHAMPIGNON] No. [THE MAN] A great dancer? [DJ CHAMPIGNON] No. [THE MAN] Then why did I win? [DJ CHAMPIGNON — Long Silence] ...Because the other contestants all left. [THE MAN] AMAZING! ENCORE! [DJ CHAMPIGNON] SOMEBODY TAKE AWAY HIS SHOES!
