[Phone ringing] [Automated Female Voice] Welcome to the VERTual July helpline. Your suffering is important to us. For tired legs, press 1. For broken watches, press 2. To complain about 2,200 meters, please stay on the line. [Beat drops] [Male Caller] Yeah, hi, there must be some kind of mistake, I checked today’s target as soon as I woke. It says 2,200, but that can’t be right, I did 2,100 bloody meters last night. [Female Operator] I’ve checked your account and the number is true. Today’s required total is 22-hundy for you. [Male Caller] But surely the numbers eventually come down? [Female Operator] No, sir. They continue to climb from the ground. [Male Caller] Can I speak to someone who understands pain? [Female Operator] Certainly, sir. I’ll transfer you again. [Hook] Please hold, please hold, Your complaint is number 22. Please hold, please hold, There’s absolutely fuck-all we can do. Your suffering is important to us. Your call is in the queue. You did 2,100 yesterday. Today you do 22. [Cheesy hold music] [Automated Female Voice] You are now connected to Technical Support. [Male Tech Support] Have you turned your legs off and on? Have you checked if your common sense has gone? Is your watch fully charged? Is your GPS green? Is this the dumbest challenge we’ve ever seen? [Male Caller] My watch says “unproductive,” my knees say “no.” My quads haven’t worked since 3 days ago. My route’s one driveway. I go up, I come back. My neighbour thinks I’m selling drugs on the track. [Male Tech Support] The system looks fine. There’s no glitch here, mate. You entered this challenge. You selected your fate. Your legs may be rooted and your brain may be cooked, But your Day 22 climb has been successfully booked. [Male Caller] Transfer me now. Let me talk to Accounts. There must be a refund for these stupid amounts! [Transfer beep] [Female Accounts] Welcome to Accounts. Let me pull up your file. You’ve been making poor choices for quite a long while. Your Creepers are banked, your speed lid is free, And you’ve earned 20 percent off at Kinisi. The rewards are secured. Your discounts are done. There’s no logical reason to go for this run. Your balance reads zero. No payment is due. You’re climbing 2,200 because something’s wrong with you. [Male Caller] So I could stop? I could sit on my arse? [Female Accounts] Correct, sir. [Male Caller] Then transfer me fast! [Hook] Please hold, please hold, Your complaint is number 22. Please hold, please hold, There’s absolutely fuck-all we can do. [Transfer beep] [Automated Female Voice] You are now connected to Medical. [Deep Male Doctor] I’ve reviewed your symptoms. I’ve examined the facts. 21 straight days of stupid tracks. Your calves are all knotted. Your toenails are black. You smell like a possum that died in a pack. Your glutes have resigned. Both hamstrings have fled. Your ankle’s held together by hope and stale bread. The diagnosis is simple. I’ll be perfectly blunt. You’re fucked. [Male Caller] Can you write me a note? Can you tell them I’m sick? [Deep Male Doctor] You’re medically stupid, but physically fit. Drink water, eat food and try to get some rest. Then go climb your hill like the rest of the pests. [Male Caller] I want Complaints! Put me through to the boss! [Deep Male Doctor] I’ll transfer you now, but your dignity’s lost. [Transfer beep] [Female Complaints] Complaints Department. What seems to be wrong? [Male Caller] What seems to be wrong? Have you heard this whole song? I’ve climbed all the hills. I’ve collected the gear. But the bloody thing grows by 100 each day of the year! My family don’t know me. My dog thinks I’m dead. I dream about elevation profiles in bed. I can’t see a staircase without doing the maths. I’ve worn a desire line through my neighbour’s grass. I’ve been patient and calm, but I’m done being nice. I want your manager now. I won’t ask you twice! [Female Complaints] Of course, sir. I understand your frustration. Hold for senior VERTual administration. [Male Caller] No more hold music! [Loud cheesy hold music] [Male Caller] For fuck’s sake! [Final Hook] Please hold, please hold, Your complaint is number 22. Please hold, please hold, There’s absolutely fuck-all we can do. Please hold, please hold. There’s a manager waiting for you. [Music stops] [Ominous Male Voice] Hello. [Male Caller] Who’s this? [Ominous Male Voice] I hear you’ve been asking when the numbers will drop. [Male Caller] Finally. Someone in charge. [Ominous Male Voice] I’m the manager, mate. I’ve reviewed your complaint. Everything appears to be working correctly. [Male Caller] So what happens now? [Ominous Male Voice] Finish your 2,200. Charge your watch. Pack some food. Bring your poles. [Male Caller] Why? [Ominous Male Voice] Because I’ll see you tomorrow. Twenty-three hundred. Don’t stop. [Phone disconnects] [Automated Female Voice] Thank you for calling the VERTual July helpline. Your suffering is important to us.
