[Verse 1] Kids run off the second we get there. Now I'm standing with the dads. Everybody starts up talking Like they've practiced this in advance. One guy asks me how it's going. Normal question. Should be fine. But my brain starts desperately searching For the socially correct reply. So I say, Good. He says, Good. Now we're staring at the wall. Perfect. Nailed it. Great conversation. THAT'S ENOUGH PEOPLE FOR US ALL. [Chorus] I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PEOPLE! EVERYBODY MAKES IT LOOK SO EASY! THEY'RE TALKING JOBS AND SCHOOLS AND WEEKENDS— I'M JUST TRYING NOT TO LOOK FUCKING CREEPY! I'M NOT MAD! I'M NOT MISERABLE! THAT'S APPARENTLY JUST MY FACE! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PEOPLE— SO I STAND HERE TAKING UP SPACE! [Verse 2] Then somebody mentions sports ball. Shit. Here we fucking go. Football, baseball, hockey, soccer— Pick a ball, I wouldn't know. They're throwing names and stats and numbers. Everybody knows the score. I nod along like I'm involved here. I've never been more fucking bored. Did we win? Who is we? When the hell did I join your team? So I throw out, Hell of a season. They just stare. WRONG FUCKING SPORT, APPARENTLY. [Chorus] I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PEOPLE! I SWEAR TO GOD I'M FUCKING TRYING! IF MY FACE SAYS LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE— MY FUCKING FACE IS LYING! I DON'T HATE YOU! I'M JUST AWKWARD! I DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE SAY! AND SPORTS BALL WAS MY LAST ESCAPE ROUTE— SO I GUESS I'LL STAND THIS WAY! [Verse 3] I bought a hat to help explain me. Thought it'd save us all some time. I'M NICER THAN MY FACE LOOKS Written right across the front in giant type. Nobody seems convinced yet. Maybe hats aren't legally binding. Now I'm wearing an explanation While still looking fucking frightening. I try smiling when they look at me. That somehow makes the whole thing worse. Apparently forced friendliness Can look remarkably like murder. [Verse 4] And these people have their shit together. At least that's how it looks to me. Calendars and weekend schedules. Knowing where they're supposed to be. They're discussing home improvements, College funds and mortgage rates. I forgot why I walked upstairs And stood there staring into space. That guy probably has retirement Mapped through twenty-seventy-five. I'm just fucking winging Tuesday And somehow keeping kids alive. [Pre-Chorus] So I stand a little quieter, And I know how that can seem. They probably think I don't like them. I'M JUST WONDERING IF THEY LIKE ME. [Bridge] Then one dad forgets a birthday. One locks his keys inside his car. One admits the bathroom faucet Has been dripping since March. Another missed the school deadline. Someone doesn't know the coach. Then the guy who had his shit together Says he's barely staying afloat. Maybe nobody got instructions. Maybe some just hide it well. Maybe everybody's winging life With different shit they never tell. [Final Chorus] MAYBE NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO PEOPLE! SOME JUST MAKE IT LOOK MORE EASY! SOME CAN TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER WITHOUT THEIR BRAIN SCREAMING, PLEASE RELEASE ME! I'M STILL QUIET! STILL FUCKING AWKWARD! STILL GOT THIS UNFRIENDLY FACE! BUT MAYBE I DON'T HAVE TO PERFORM HERE— MAYBE I CAN JUST TAKE MY PLACE! I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE SPORTS BALL! I DON'T NEED THE PERFECT LINE! JUST SAY HELLO AND ASK HOW THEY'RE DOING— AND TRY NOT TO OVERTHINK THE REPLY! [Outro] Then the kids come running toward us. Can he come over sometime? I look over at his father. Guess we ought to trade a number. Fine. He looks down and reads my hat: I'M NICER THAN MY FACE LOOKS. Starts laughing. I start laughing. Holy shit. I PEOPLED. Then he asks me— Did you catch the game last night? ... FUCK.
