Lutius Maximus

E[Performance Notes: Studio recording, not live. Single male vocalist, no duet, no featured rapper. Verses rapped — drawled, conversational, behind the beat, comedic timing with room to land the punchlines. Chorus flips to a big sung country hook. Intro is four bars of cinematic war drums and brass fanfare, then hard cut into the country rap groove. Tone is affectionate and self-deprecating, never mean — he's the fool in this story, not the judge.] [Intro - war drums, low brass fanfare, then hard cut to the beat] [Verse 1] Twenty-two days a month, she's the love of my life Best friend, my partner, my ride-or-die wife Then the calendar turns and I hear the horns blow Chariot wheels comin' down the hallway real slow Here come Lutius Maximus, general of the house Conqueror of Tuesday, destroyer of the couch I ain't new here, I have marched in this campaign Just put my helmet on and stay out the way [Pre-Chorus] She's got a great butt but she's acting like ass Head down, mouth shut, this too shall pass Five business days, that's the whole entire war Then she's back to my baby like she was before [Chorus] Lutius Maximus, ruler of the land Salute the flag, yes ma'am, kiss the ring, hold the hand I ain't running, I ain't hiding, I ain't picking up the sword Just a loyal dumb soldier standing guard at the door Lutius Maximus — I'll be right here when it's done Roll through, take the throne, I ain't the one [Verse 2] Three a.m. she shakes me — "hey. You sleeping?" Yes. Historically that's what this is "You thinking about other women?" — ma'am, I was thinking about nothing I was dreaming about a sandwich, that's the honest truth Then she pulls up an argument from two thousand nineteen 'Bout a tone I used sayin' something I don't remember saying Cross-examined in the dark like a witness on the stand Guilty. Don't know what of. Guilty though. Yes ma'am. [Verse 3] Cat walks in — "hey sweet baby boy!" Voice like an angel, sugar in the tone I said "hey" — she said "go away, fucker" Same room. Same second. Different species. Different luck. That cat ain't never worked a day, ain't paid a bill Ain't changed a diaper, ain't sat in a meeting And he's sitting on the throne getting kissed on the head While I'm eating cereal standing up in the kitchen [Pre-Chorus] She's got a great butt but she's acting like ass Head down, mouth shut, this too shall pass Five business days, that's the whole entire war Then she's back to my baby like she was before [Chorus] Lutius Maximus, ruler of the land Salute the flag, yes ma'am, kiss the ring, hold the hand I ain't running, I ain't hiding, I ain't picking up the sword Just a loyal dumb soldier standing guard at the door Lutius Maximus — I'll be right here when it's done Roll through, take the throne, I ain't the one [Bridge - sung, sparse, acoustic guitar and organ] Now hold up 'fore you think I'm talking sideways 'Cause I'm a whole lot of work all thirty days I leave my socks wherever gravity puts 'em Ask what's for dinner then I don't help make it She grew our whole family, she runs this whole show She gets five hard days out of thirty — that's the best deal I know So bring the drums, bring the horns, bring the war I'd sign up for this army twice and go back for more [Beat drops back in, full band] [Chorus] Lutius Maximus, ruler of the land Salute the flag, yes ma'am, kiss the ring, hold the hand I ain't running, I ain't hiding, I ain't picking up the sword Just a loyal dumb soldier standing guard at the door Lutius Maximus — I'll be right here when it's done Roll through, take the throne, I ain't the one [Outro - rapped, relaxed, half-time] Day one rolls around and the horns go quiet Chariot parked, whole kingdom at peace She says "hey babe, you want to get lunch?" Yes ma'am. Absolutely. Let me grab the helmet just in case.