What Did You Need To Win by Coco Moanikeala

Intro — spoken, over sparse Rhodes] You claimed my baby — but never once did you run it by me first. What was it that you needed to win? --- [Verse 1 — half-spoken, half-sung, slow] I met you on a phone call — you were tryna collaborate with my niece, 406 Rifle Company, Noveski on our end. Me and Jason on the line. I don’t know why, but my body knew. First panic attack of my life — blood pressure dropped so low the EMTs said they didn’t know how I was alive. My sister gave me Zofran, fifteen minutes on the clock, and I made it to the call. You came in loud — big truck, big ego, big everything you had to say. I checked you out. Went back to work. Made the CAC cards with Jason. That was the job. --- [Pre-hook — spoken, softer] Then February came, and Jason died. --- [Hook — sung, warm and mournful] What did you need to win? What did you need to win? You walked in on my grief like grief was an open door — and I let you in ‘cause my hands were full of somebody else’s goodbye. What did you need to win? What did you need to win? --- [Verse 2 — spoken, tender] The next day you told me you had a dream. Jason came to you, you said — told you you and I were supposed to have a baby. I said, no. I said, I’m forty-seven. I said, I’m a lesbian — I don’t even like men. I said, I loved Jason as my partner in business, my friend, my brother, I was helping him get Christine back — teach him not to chase, ’cause the chase is the unattractive part. You didn’t hear a word. You kept pushing. Sex. Baby. Your wife’s open, you said. Your wife wants me too, you said. I said no. Then June came, and Kaiser broke my life open — and I went silent for three months. --- [Hook — sung, stronger] What did you need to win? What did you need to win? You called me back after the silence — and all you could talk about was making a baby with a woman who told you no in every language she had. What did you need to win? What did you need to win? --- [Verse 3 — spoken, slow] Maui. March or May. First time I met you in person. I brought Zoey. I brought my cousin — David Daniel Donovan. Kawika Akiona in the Hawaiian military — he took the family name because he was arriving. Not running. You didn’t buy his ticket. On purpose, I think. So he was still on the Big Island when I walked into that trip without my cover. Second panic attack — Maui ER, Zoey by my side. Sometimes she had to leave the room with strangers I’d just met — Uncle Kaimai, you, Wynn, the aunties, the uncles. My baby, four years old, walking out with people whose names I barely knew. Kawika heard I was in the ER. He didn’t ask. He bought his own ticket. Crossed the water. Big Island to Maui. Got me out. Got Zoey her mama back. That’s what real family does — they show up without being invoiced. --- [Bridge — sung, aching] But before Kawika landed — Uncle Wynn saw my girl and said, she looks just like Moana. And you — you looked at Wynn and said, yeah, that’s my daughter. Me and Coco have known each other for years. First time I met you in person. First lie of a hundred. Told to Uncle Wynn in front of my child. And then the picture, and you told Ashley — see, we’re in love already. Forty-eight hours in. The paper trail of the fabrication was already being written. --- [Verse 4 — spoken, quieter, direct] I would have kept you by my side — you know that, right? Even with all your red flags, even with you living out of your bags, I would have stayed. That’s who I am. I love hard. I love the potential. I hold the door for the man you were pretending to be. But you couldn’t be him. So you took what you could — the mortgage months, the phone plan, the seven thousand that belongs to Zoey, the picture with Ashley, the story with Wynn — and you left with a text that said I packed up, I’m never coming back. I didn’t even know we were arguing. --- [Hook — final, sung, quieter] What did you need to win? What did you need to win? ‘Cause you didn’t win me. You didn’t win Zoey. You didn’t win my name. You didn’t win my house. You got scraps and shadow — and I got the whole record of what you did. What did you need to win? What did you need to win? --- [Outro — spoken, over fading Rhodes] Jason, I’m sorry your name got used like that. You’d never have said what he said you said in the dream. You wanted Christine. I was helping you learn not to chase. Kawika, mahalo, cousin. You crossed the water. You’ll always have a seat at my table. Zoey, my girl, you are mine. Always were. Always will be. No man’s dream gets to name you. And you — you don’t have access to any of us anymore.