[spoken intro] You ever think if you decided to be a heathen the kinds of things you would do? Night after night of getting drunk, surrounded by beautiful nameless women, really live it up. But have you ever met a Heathen who has zero fun? [crowd laughs] this song is about that, It's a GK Chesterton poem and it's called The Song of the Strange Ascetic [singing} If I had been a Heathen, I’d have praised the purple vine, My slaves should dig the vineyards, And I would drink the wine. But Higgins is a Heathen, And his slaves grow lean and grey, That he may drink some tepid milk Exactly twice a day. If I had been a Heathen, I’d have crowned Neaera’s curls, And filled my life with love affairs, My house with dancing girls; But Higgins is a Heathen, And to lecture rooms is forced, Where his aunts, who are not married, Demand to be divorced. [doo wap solo musical interlude] doo dooby doo doo dooby doo doo dooby doo doo wappa dooby doo doo dooby doo doo dooby doo doo dooby doo doo wappa dooby doodoo dooby doo doo dooby doo doo dooby doo doo wappa dooby doo If I had been a Heathen, I’d have sent my armies forth, And dragged behind my chariots The Chieftains of the North. But Higgins is a Heathen, And he drives the dreary quill, To lend the poor that funny cash That makes them poorer still. If I had been a Heathen, I’d have piled my pyre on high, And in a great red whirlwind Gone roaring to the sky; But Higgins is a Heathen, And a richer man than I: And they put him in an oven, Just as if he were a pie. Now who that runs can read it, The riddle that I write, Of why this poor old sinner, Should sin without delight- But I, I cannot read it (Although I run and run), Of them that do not have the faith, And will not have the fun.
