[Intro — spoken, immediate] Okay. I would like to formally dispute the song contest that I won. [Verse 1] I wrote about an avalanche. Rock face above us, cliff below, snow coming down behind my skis— sounds dramatic when you tell it slow. But honestly, we saw the danger, changed our route and moved along. It wasn’t really near-death. It was a dad lecture with a song. “Pay attention to conditions. Identify the risk. Modify your behaviour.” Apparently that beat chicken butt. [Chorus — huge sustained scream] Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy????? [Verse 2] Bangkok Regret had everything. International intrigue. Street food, mystery, poultry ass, culinary tragedy. The man walked up to paradise, asked one unnecessary question, then abandoned cooked hen anus based on visual inspection. That is conflict. That is character. That is regret you can respect. I told a story about being careful and somehow won the internet. [Chorus] Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy????? [Verse 3 — building agitation] Five votes for The Ledge. Three for Bangkok Regret. I refreshed the page. Still wrong. I asked Qannebiss for a recount. He said, “Take the win. You won it fairly.” That sounds exactly like something a man robbed of victory would say. I want the ballots. I want listening times. Did they reach the chicken-butt reveal? Did they hear “tasty ass-to-mouth with poultry” and understand what was at stake here? Bring in international observers. Call Elections Canada. I know they’re busy. I know this isn’t their department. But democracy has failed a cooked asshole in Bangkok. [Chorus] Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy????? [Bridge — spoken over stop-start groove] And listen— I love this site. That is why I need to know how five people heard these two songs and chose the fucking dad lecture. [Final Verse — escalating] Bangkok Regret was his regret. Bangkok Regret Regret is mine. He missed his chance to eat the chicken butt. I missed my chance to lose with dignity. He found Thai pineapple. I found an illegitimate crown. Qannebiss keeps saying, “Seriously, man. You won. Let it go.” No. Justice for the chicken butt! [Final Chorus — longest scream, gang vocals join] WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????
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