[Intro] [Clinical ambiance, the rhythmic beeping of a heart monitor] [A grand piano plays a solemn, dramatic chord] (Ahhhhh, the suffering) Right. Let’s get this over with. I need a wheelchair, a surgeon, and possibly a priest. [Verse 1] I waddled through the vestibule, a spectacle of agony The triage nurse looked up at me and questioned my anatomy I told her with a whimper it’s a localized catastrophe She stifled a guffaw and wrote it down with sheer audacity I’m sitting in the waiting room beside a man with chickenpox While holding onto sanity and clutching at my cotton socks A catastrophic pendulum has shattered my foundation Now I’m waiting for a doctor to perform an observation (Please take a seat, sir) I cannot sit! The structural integrity is compromised! [Pre-Chorus] [Synthesizers begin to swell, replacing the piano] [The heart monitor beeps accelerate in rhythm] The clipboard is acquired, the indignity begins I’m paying for a multitude of uncommitted sins The icy stethoscope, the antiseptic smell I’ve bought a one-way ticket to a urologic hell! [Chorus] [Massive Future Bass Drop with Heavy Sub-Bass] [Operatic Soprano Choir soars over the chaotic beat] (Oh, the tragedy of the fallen pride!) I’ve got a medical emergency, a scrotal insurgency! (He’s hurting on the inside!) The surgeons are giggling, my dignity’s wriggling Under the fluorescent lights! (Such an unfortunate plight!) It’s the Emergency Room Aria, a symphony of pain And I am never, ever playing bloody cricket in the rain! [Verse 2] [Beat pulls back to a skippy, syncopated grime rhythm] The doctor enters in the room, his name is Mister Harrison He takes a little look and makes a terrible comparison He says it looks like two aubergines rolling in a shopping bag I’m lying on the gurney and I'm waving the white surrender flag He’s calling in the students for a highly rare tutorial They’re treating my appendages like some bizarre memorial I’m surrounded by the interns with their digital thermometers They’re calculating damage with their medical speedometers (Fascinating bruising, absolutely textbook) Oh, do shut up and give me the morphine. [Pre-Chorus] [Synthesizers swell again, building tension] The clipboard is acquired, the indignity begins I’m paying for a multitude of uncommitted sins The icy stethoscope, the antiseptic smell I’ve bought a one-way ticket to a urologic hell! [Chorus] [Maximum Energy Future Bass Drop] [Operatic Soprano Choir returns louder] (Oh, the tragedy of the fallen pride!) I’ve got a medical emergency, a scrotal insurgency! (He’s hurting on the inside!) The surgeons are giggling, my dignity’s wriggling Under the fluorescent lights! (Such an unfortunate plight!) It’s the Emergency Room Aria, a symphony of pain And I am never, ever playing bloody cricket in the rain! [Bridge] [The beat drops out entirely] [A single, melancholic cello plays beneath the vocal] Now comes the ultrasound. The cold, unyielding gel of truth. The sonographer, a lovely woman named Susan, Refuses to meet my eye. [Beat slowly builds back up with syncopated claps] She rolls the wand across the wreckage of my future lineage A digital display of my majestic, bruised appendage The grayscale monitor confirms the absolute insanity A high-definition broadcast of my devastated vanity! [Guitar and Synth Dual Solo] [A hyper-technical, glitchy synthesizer solo trades off with a classical violin] [The tempo pushes to the absolute limit] [Chorus] [Final, Explosive Drop - All instruments and vocals at maximum intensity] (Oh, the tragedy of the fallen pride!) I’ve got a medical emergency, a scrotal insurgency! (He’s hurting on the inside!) The surgeons are giggling, my dignity’s wriggling Under the fluorescent lights! (Such an unfortunate plight!) It’s the Emergency Room Aria, a symphony of pain And I am never, ever playing bloody cricket in the rain! [Outro] [Music strips away abruptly] [Only the heart monitor remains, beeping steadily] So, just bed rest then? Ice packs for seventy-two hours? Right. Brilliant. (Discharged) Can someone call me a taxi? I can’t bend my knees. [A single, echoing piano note fades into silence]
