[BPM: Varied wildly 60-160] [Key: D minor] [Mood: slurred, Whimsical, mocking, satirical, emotionally raw, drunk, hesitant] [Vocals: Male vocals, dynamic expression, humorous melancholy] [Instrumentation: careless Piano-centric, muted clarinet improvisation, remote accordion flourishes, percussion accents, occasional contrabass thunder] [Effects: Echoes, reverbs, call-response, humorous sound effects, sudden silence, exaggerated sighs, rain] [INTRO – Piano begins with half a mazurka, gives up.] [Spoken:] He was shopping for meaning. Or possibly capers. The lighting was unkind. [VERSE 1 – Almost cheerful, in a minor key] (Am) A sad and lonely human (seeking freedom!) was arrested—existentially— in front of a sign which read: "Dozen large eggs – vegetarian." [Chorus echoes, inaccurately:] “Vegetarian?” He stood there blinking like a fax machine. And whispered: “Is this a euphemism… or a trap?” [VERSE 2 – Clarinet sneers, glockenspiel twitches] Had he missed the act? Had the chicken not? Was there a contract, or a note? Did anyone… ask? [Chorus hums "no fornication involved" like a hymn.] He adjusted his scarf, which had once belonged to someone possibly spiritual. Or French. [VERSE 3 – Music picks up, as if to help him understand] Could eggs be born of virgin labor? Could yolk be guiltless? Was he complicit in a pre-omelet tragedy every time he fried without remorse? [Chorus, flatly:] “Technically unfertilized.” He gasped. They’d done it again— society, food labeling, and biology— teaming up to embarrass him in front of the fennel. [VERSE 4 – Slower, with philosophical tremolo] He’d read Sartre once. He’d even underlined. But nowhere had he anticipated a protein so smugly ethical. He placed the carton into his cart like a man surrendering to an arranged marriage. [BRIDGE – Spoken] Somewhere, a chicken was not notified. And yet, a breakfast would occur. [REFRAIN – Music swells, fake resolve] A sad and lonely human (seeking freedom!) had nearly grasped the ethics of brunch when he saw the word “cage-free.” And everything collapsed again.
