Mad Cow (or How Prions Killed the Denny Crane Streak)

[Dialogue] Mr. Shatner, I'm Officer Isaac P. Tickletits, you were brought in today for causing a disturbance. It seems that you're confusing yourself with aging lawyer Denny Crane of Crane, Poole, & Schmidt and Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise, two of your most popular fictional characters. And you're saying that you have mad cow disease as well? Several people were concerned for your safety at the scene. Will you consent to a psychiatric evaluation? Sir? Mr. Shatner? Can you hear me? You're being...highly illogical... [Verse] She packed my bags… last night… pre-flight. Zero hour… nine… a.m. And I’m gonna be…High… As a kite…By then. [Verse] I miss the Earth… so much. I miss… my wife. No…That’s not right. I never… settled. Never could. [Verse] Too many planets. Too many… closing arguments. Too many… spoons. Wait. No spoons. Focus… Jim. [Verse] It’s lonely… out here. Burning out… my fuse… up here… Alone. Except for the voices. The redshirts… whispering. The gavels… echoing. The prions… editing. [Pre-Chorus] Captain’s log. Stardate… whatever. This is James… T. Kirk. Commanding… the Enterprise. Boldly… going. Where no… man… Has gone…Before. [Chorus] But sometimes…The stars… blur. The viewscreen… flickers. And suddenly…I’m on a balcony. Boston. Cigar. Scotch. Alan Shore… judging me. Denny Crane. Denny… Crane. Mad… cow. [Bridge] No. Focus… Jim. Klingons… off the starboard bow. Mr. Spock… raise shields. Objection… Your Honor. The witness… is hostile. And green. Lock… phasers.Sustained. Overruled. Fire! [Verse] I once… fought a Gorn. Hand… to hand. On a desert rock. He was slow. I was… slower. But I won. [Verse] Built a cannon… out of bamboo. Denny Crane… would’ve sued him. For emotional distress. Denny Crane. Undefeated. Except… against prions. [Verse] I once… kissed an alien. Green skin. Tasted like… victory. And regret. And maybe… oregano. Every redshirt… I sent down. Every name… I forgot. [Verse] They haunt… the corridors. Whispering…Captain… Denny…Captain… Denny…Pass the scotch. [Verse] Spock appears. Right there. On the bridge. Or… the balcony. Cigar smoke… mixing with… nebula gas. He raises… that eyebrow. Higher than a shuttlecraft. And says…In that calm… logical… voice… [Pre-Chorus] “Captain. Your behavior… Is highly… Illogical.” [Chorus] I laugh. Or… cry. Denny Crane… doesn’t cry. Denny Crane… wins cases. Denny Crane… has mad cow. Denny Crane… blames the witness. [Post-Chorus] Spock tilts his head. Like he’s solving… the universe. “Mad cow disease. Creutzfeldt-Jakob. Prion disorder. Progressive. Fatal. Symptoms: memory loss. Personality changes. Hallucinations. Confusing starships… with law firms. Claiming victories… over reptilian defendants.” [Bridge] That Vulcan pause. I’m sinking. He continues… “However…You exhibit… No ataxia. No myoclonus. Your cognitive function… While… colorful…Remains within… Parameters. Your ‘mad cow’… Is a defense mechanism. To excuse…Command guilt. Romantic failures. And an unfortunate fondness… For dramatic pauses.” [Verse] I stare. The viewscreen… shows stars. Or… Boston skyline. “Spock…You’re saying… I don’t have it?” [Verse] “Correct. Probability… 0.0003 percent. You are…Merely… Human. And humans… Lie to themselves…Better than any Ferengi.” [Verse] I reach for my phaser. Or… my scotch. Both… equally dangerous. “Then why…Do I keep saying… Denny… Crane. Like it’s… a spell. A mantra. A closing statement.” [Verse] Spock steps closer. Almost… gentle. “The mind…Faced with infinity… Seeks anchors. You chose… A flamboyant one. Anchors… Can become…Chains. Or… fishing stories.” [Verse] The prions…They edit. Silently. Rewriting… the code. Folding…Misfolding… My victories…Into defeats. [Verse] The bridge… empty. Crew… blurred. Scotty? Bones? Were they real? Or just… expert witnesses… I never called. [Chorus] I see the Gorn again. But now… He’s wearing… a suit. Objecting. To my cannon. Prior art. The stars… mock me. Eternal. While I…Dissolve. Like ice… in scotch. Like evidence… in a Denny Crane cross-examination. [Bridge] If anyone… finds this log… Tell Starfleet…Tell the firm… Tell the spoon… named Gerald… James Kirk…Fought the good fight. Denny Crane…Went down… Swinging. With a gavel… in one hand. A phaser… in the other.And mad cow… In the brain. [Verse] The final… frontier. It’s not out there. It’s in here. Fascinating.Illogical. Highly… Entertaining. [Chorus] So next time…You look up… At the night sky…And see a shooting star… Ask yourself…Is it a rocket man? A starship captain? An old lawyer… With mad cow…Arguing with a Vulcan… About prions? [Outro] Denny… Crane. Or Kirk? Out. Spock… Live long… And prosper. Or… At least… Bill me later.