[Intro — Irish fiddle riff 8 bars, bagpipes slash in over bar 6, both instruments dueling, crowd erupting] [CIARÁN — Verse 1] (Voice 1 — deep irish baritone, warm rolling Cork brogue) We walked into the pub on a fine Friday night The Guinness was flowing the craic was alright Then in through the door came a clan from the north Smelling of haggis and questionable worth (spoken aside, warm) Dia dhuit, a chairde — (phonetic: DEE-ah gwitch, ah KHAR-duh) — God be with ye friends — the good kind anyway [ALASDAIR — Verse 1] (Voice 2 — rough scottish tenor, highland gravelly burr) Aye we walked through that door and we owned the whole place Took one look at the Irish and laughed in their face You call that a pint? That’s a fucking dark soup We drink proper whisky ya sad Fenian group (spoken aside, dry) Feasgar math, a chairdean — (phonetic: FES-kur mah, ah CHAR-jun) — Good evening friends — and I use that word loosely [CIARÁN — Response, sharp] Jameson beats Scotch like the sun beats the rain Is fearr liom Éire ná an domhan mór! (phonetic: iss far lum AY-ruh naw un DOW-un more) — I prefer Ireland to the whole wide world — And at least when we’re drunk we remember our names! [ALASDAIR — Response, clapping back instantly] Aye we forget our names ‘cause the whisky’s that good Alba gu bràth ya hear me — (phonetic: AL-a-puh goo BRAW) — Scotland forever — We drink till we’re legends just like ye wished ye could! [BOTH — shouting over each other, crowd building] CIARÁN: Éire Abú! (phonetic: AY-ruh ah-BOO) — Ireland to victory! ALASDAIR: Suas Alba! (phonetic: SOO-us AL-a-puh) — Up Scotland! CIARÁN: Suas d’asal! (phonetic: SOO-us DAH-sul) — Up your arse! ALASDAIR: (beat) …I understood that one ya clever cunt [BOTH VOICES — Chorus 1, crowd joining full] It’s Irish vs Scottish the oldest of wars Fought not with our fists but with pints at the bars Who drinks the most? Who’s the funniest cunt? Whose women are wilder? Let’s get to the front! Pour another round this debate isn’t done When two Celtic nations decide to have fun Nobody wins — but nobody’s leaving till we know WHO — DRINKS — THE — MOST — IN — THIS — FUCKING — SHOW! [Outro tag — fiddle cuts hard, crowd noise] CIARÁN: (breathless) Right then ya Scottish bastard — round two! ALASDAIR: Bring it ya Guinness-soaked cunt — I’ve only just fucking started!
