[Intro] Benni found a tool in the dust by the gate, No label, no manual, no hint of its fate. He turned it around, gave the handle a shake, “What does this thing do?” was his first mistake. [Choir — Soft, Ominous] [Choir]: What does it do? [Choir]: What does it do? Benni the Poopman has absolutely no clue. [Verse 1 — Lead Female] He tried it on a wooden door — nothing but a bang, Tried it on a furnace — nearly lost his hand. He tested it on a sleeping bag, then tested it on a wall, Then stood there looking thoughtful like he’d learned something at all. [Backup Vocals]: He learned nothing! “Interesting,” said Benni, with a very serious face, Then marched it to the compound like a scientist of great taste. He tried it on a barrel, he tried it on a crate, He tried it on the barbecue while somebody yelled, “WAIT!” He tried it on a horse and the horse kicked through the air, [Backup Vocals]: BENNI, PUT THE THING DOWN! “That reaction tells me something — I’m getting somewhere!” [Pre-Chorus — Choir] He doesn’t know the purpose, He doesn’t know the name, But every single living thing Is now part of his test game. [Choir]: TEST IT! TEST IT! “Science must continue!” [Choir]: TEST IT! TEST IT! “I have absolutely no clue!” [Chorus — Full Choir] I FOUND A TOOL, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S FOR! [Choir]: WHAT’S IT FOR?! SO I’M GONNA HIT THE WALL, THEN HIT THE FLOOR! [Backup Vocals]: HIT THE FLOOR! IF IT WORKS ON WOOD, AND IT WORKS ON STEEL, THEN HIT YOUR FRIEND AND SEE HOW HE FEELS! [Choir]: OH, BENNI! OH, BENNI! He’s got a tool and a terrible plan! [Choir]: OH, BENNI! OH, BENNI! THE POOPMAN’S GONNA TEST IT ON A MAN! [Verse 2 — Lead Female] Kenta came running when he heard the commotion, [Choir:] “Benni, what are you doing?” — “Scientific exploration.” Benni gave the tool a swing, Kenta hit the ground, Then Benni wrote a note: “Interesting result: sound.” [Backup Vocals]: What result?! “It makes a noise when I hit him.” [Backup Vocals]: THAT’S NOT SCIENCE! “And he makes a louder one.” [Choir]: BENNI, NO! He tested it on Boom, then tested it on Drutten, Tested it on a sleeping man who definitely wasn't buttoned— “The tool appears useful for annoying the population.” [Backup Vocals]: THAT IS NOT A FUNCTION! “I’m writing it down as: secondary application.” [Verse 3 — choir] He tried it on a recycler, tried it on a sign, Tried it on the front gate for the fifteenth time. He tried it on a turret — the turret disagreed, Benni ran behind a rock at approximately Rust-speed. [Choir]: RUN, BENNI, RUN! “I’ve discovered something!” [Backup Vocals]: WHAT?! “It hurts when the machine shoots me!” [Choir]:He sat beside the fire and began to contemplate, [Choir]:The evidence, the bruises, and the horse he’d made irate. [Choir]:He held the mystery tool up high beneath the moon, “I know exactly what this is. I’ll name it very soon.” [Bridge — Dramatic Rock Opera] It wasn’t for the doors! [Choir]: NO! It wasn’t for the crates! [Choir]: NO! It wasn’t for the furnaces! [Choir]: NO! Or Boom’s unfortunate face! It wasn’t for the horses! [Choir]: NO! It wasn’t for the wall! [Choir]: NO! It wasn’t for the people screaming, [Backup Vocals]: BENNI, THAT’S ENOUGH! “Exactly! I have solved it all!” [Music Drops — Dead Serious] I know what it does. [Choir — Whisper] [Choir]: What does it do? It hits things. [Choir]: ...Oh. That’s the function. [Backup Vocals]: THAT’S NOT A FUNCTION! It is now. [Final Chorus — Full Rock Opera] I FOUND A TOOL, AND NOW I KNOW ITS NAME! [Choir]: WHAT’S ITS NAME?! IT HITS THINGS! THAT’S THE WHOLE DAMN GAME! [Backup Vocals]: THE WHOLE DAMN GAME! IT HAS NO PURPOSE, IT HAS NO PLAN, BUT IT HITS THE WALL AND IT HITS THE MAN! [Choir]: OH, BENNI! OH, BENNI! THE POOPMAN HAS FINALLY UNDERSTOOD! [Choir]: OH, BENNI! OH, BENNI! HE NAMED HIS TOOL THE— [Full Choir — Huge Stop] [Choir]: **THING THAT HITS!** The thing that hits
