[Verse 1] There once was a captain bold and vast, By the name of fearsome PaintUFast, His blade struck true, his ship sailed fast, But his beard caused strife at home. Through wind and rain and cannon’s roar, He ruled the tides from shore to shore, Yet one small war he could not ignore — A letter from back home. ⸻ [Pre-Chorus] It read, “My love, return to me, But smooth of chin you’d better be…” He stroked his beard defiantly, And sighed into the foam. ⸻ [Chorus] He has a beard but his wife hates it so, The crew wagers on if he’ll let it go! When we dock at port, we’ll surely know — If love will claim his throne. ⸻ [Verse 2] Once he had a grand mustache, But off it was shaved with a hack and slash, The barber’s blade came down so fast, Like lightning through a squall. He mourned the curl, the waxed-up tips, That once had charmed in foreign ships, Now bristles guard his weathered lips — His last defense of all. ⸻ [Pre-Chorus] The bosun bets a pouch of gold, The cook says, “He’ll do what he’s told,” The cabin boy so young and bold Says, “Love will make him fall.” ⸻ [Chorus] He has a beard but his wife hates it so, The crew wagers on if he’ll let it go! When we dock at port, we’ll surely know — If matrimony calls. ⸻ [Bridge – Slight Lift, Harmonic Build] No navy fleet nor pirate blade Has ever made the captain fade, But soft words inked and gently laid May bring him to his knees. He stands upon the rolling deck, His pride as thick as ship’s main wreck, Yet trembles at what may be next When she says, “Trim it, please.” ⸻ [Final Chorus – Bigger, Layered Vocals] He has a beard but his wife hates it so, The crew wagers on if he’ll let it go! From stormy seas to hearthfire glow, The answer waits ashore. He conquered waves and cannon blast, But love may fell him at the last — So sing of Captain PaintUFast, And bets forevermore!
