[Verse 1 — low, broken, almost whispered] There was a boy who called himself a friend, I gave him shelter when he had nowhere. Gave him laughter, I kept him fed, Gave him pieces I should’ve kept sacred. Then came the test, Two lines shaking in my hand. A heartbeat I could not explain away, A life I already loved and planned. But he paced like a coward, Said he’d kill himself if I let you live. Said he couldn’t be a father, Like my body was his to give. [Pre-Chorus — desperate build] I was young and I was cornered, Too afraid to stand or run. He held death above your heartbeat, Like a loaded, borrowed gun. So I called my father crying, Needing someone strong to come. I thought I’d walk in, say I tried, Then turn around and run. [Chorus — rage and grief] Baby boy, I am sorry. I still whisper your name in the dark. You had little hands, little feet, And God had already lit your heart. Baby boy, I lost you. No, I carry what was done. I walked in scared and still unsure, And they made sure I couldn’t run. Your father used his life against me. That clinic stole my voice too. And I still wake up with blood on my soul, Because I chose to not save you. [Verse 2 — darker, heavier] They gave my weary body More Valium than it could hold, Then put papers in my hands When I was way too high to know. They drugged me before signed, Then called my signature a choice. But ink from a trembling hand Is not the same as my real voice. They took me down that hallway, Floating, frightened, half erased. And somewhere in that clinic room, I lost more than I could face. I can blame the hands that drugged me, And God knows they earned that blame. But there’s no court inside my conscience That will let me walk away. [Bridge — pleading, fragile, almost whisper] You would be in your twenties now, Maybe strong, maybe kind. Maybe you’d have your mama’s eyes, Maybe his smile, maybe mine. Would you have called me Momma? Would you have forgiven me? Would you have known I wanted you Before fear swallowed everything? I wanted to die after, I could not bare. I could not breathe through the shame. Friends got tired of my breaking, And Id never be the same. [Breakdown — rage, guttural] He said SUICIDE! He made me choose! His breath, your life— What could I do? They gave me pills! They took my voice! Then called that paper My own choice! I hate that room! I hate that day! I hate the hands That took you away! I hear your name! I feel you still! I beg for God To touch what will Not heal in me, Not let me rest— A mother’s grief Inside my chest! [Final Chorus — full emotional collapse] Baby boy, I am sorry. I still whisper your name in the dark. You had little hands, little feet, And God had already lit your heart. Baby boy, I lost you. No grave can hold what I feel. You were my baby, you were my child, You were holy, you were real. I was cornered, I was drugged, I was scared and barely grown. But I have carried you for decades In the hollow of my bones. [Outro — whispered, pleading] Alexander James, forgive me. Please know I loved you then. I have lived with this forever, And I’ll carry you till the end. And if Heaven lets you hear me, If mercy lets this through, Tell God I’m still your mother… And I never stopped loving you. outro background vocals- (whispered chants) Tell God I am sorry They gave me pills! They took my voice! Then called that paper My own choice! I hate that room! I hate that day! I hate the hands That took you away! I hear your name! I feel you still! I beg for God To touch what will Not heal in me, Not let me rest— A mother’s grief Inside my chest!
