How to Write a Song

[INTRO] This is the tried and true method for song writing. Word. [VERSE 1] Step one, take a nap on the couch, be committed, (yeah) If inspiration's looking for me, that's the address I submitted. Make a sandwich, extra pickles, that's a lyrical decision, Watch six seasons of a sitcom for emotional precision. (preach!) Take a long walk, stare dramatic at a goose beside a river, Pretend it's giving life advice, write it down and call it wisdom. Listen random, steal no melodies, just borrow intuition, Jot a word or two on napkins like a caffeine-addled wizard. Open up the rhyming dictionary, flip it with authority, Spend three hours finding rhymes for "orange," purely for security. Google "what is art?" then close it and ask chat G.P.T., Congratulations, you've completed phase one theoretically. (Church!) [CHORUS] That's how you write a song! Nobody knows what's going on! Just keep pretending all day long Until the nonsense sounds strong! That's how you write a song! Get three good words and sing along! If it survives until the dawn— Congratulations, that's a song! [VERSE 2] Step two, scientific composition, grab a welding mask, (yeah) Two kilos of bass, three drums, and a questionable flask. Add a gallon of distortion, stir it clockwise with a broom, If the neighbors call the cops you're getting closer to the groove. (amen) Take a beaker full of choruses and heat it to a simmer, Add twelve grams of "ooh-woah-oh" and half a pound of reverb glitter. When the mixture starts vibrating, feed it thunder, sparks, and lasers, If it grows a second chorus then you've clearly made a banger. Wear protective gloves and goggles near the synthesizer vat, Track the graphs and check the samples, then compare them to the batch. If the kick begins to wobble, recalibrate the height, Reduce the heat and add more cowbell till the frequency is right. (jellyfish!) [CHORUS] That's how you write a song! Nobody knows what's going on! Just keep pretending all day long Until the nonsense sounds strong! That's how you write a song! Get three good words and sing along! If it survives until the dawn— Congratulations, that's a song! [VERSE 3] Step three, commit your life to artistic glory, (yeah) Drink till the room spins twice and call it method acting story. (oh!) Abandon your whole family, blame it on the tour bus vibe, Trade your minivan for a broken-down van and a pack of lies. (preach!) Chase the dragon till you’re nodding off inside a Denny’s booth, (amen) Wake up in the ER begging nurses for creative truth. (ouch) Get a brand-new blood transfusion just to finish up the set, (church!) Then run from flashing sirens screaming “this is research, bet!” (yeah) Move into a cardboard box you swear is performance art, (peace!) Tell the judge your relapse schedule is the purest form of heart. Sell your soul for one more chorus, burn the bridge you used to cross, Then write “live your truth” in the bridge like none of this was lost. (sing it!) [FINAL CHORUS] That's how you write a song! Nobody knows what's going on! Just keep pretending all day long Until the nonsense sounds strong! That's how you write a song! Get three good words and sing along! If people scream the chorus wrong— Congratulations, that's a song! (yeah) [OUTRO] Take a nap. Eat a sandwich. Trust the goose. You're a songwriter now. (peace!)