Hold the River, Polish Boys! [Intro – Drums and Trumpets] Left, right, left, right, march! The French are fleeing – clear the arch! Leipzig's lost, Napoleon's in flight, And we're the lucky ones staying to fight! [Verse 1] The campaign's over, the calendar's bare, So Michael says, "Let's have a war out there!" Eight hundred points, a river to defend, And orders to retreat before the weekend ends! Twelve Polish battalions, ready for the show, Against Prussian boots and Austrian horses in tow. Our mission is simple, our prospects are grand: Save the French army – and don't lose the land! [Chorus] March, march, hold that river! Make those Prussian horses shiver! Load your muskets, let the cannons roar, We're here to lose some men, but nothing more! Hold the ford and hold the line, We'll buy Napoleon a little time! One, two, three – don't lose your nerve, The French are running, but we hold the curve! [Verse 2] Jimmy's cuirassiers came thundering near, David formed a square – no need to fear! The Austrian heavies came charging with pride, Then met Polish muskets and changed their stride! They galloped away in splendid confusion, A tactical retreat? Or a sudden delusion? Their sabres were sharp, their horses were fast, But Polish squares made sure it wouldn't last! [Chorus] March, march, hold that river! Make those Prussian horses shiver! Load your muskets, let the cannons roar, We're here to lose some men, but nothing more! Hold the ford and hold the line, We'll buy Napoleon a little time! One, two, three – don't lose your nerve, The French are running, but we hold the curve! [Verse 3 – Ben's Bad Luck] Ben took his brigade around the wood, Split into two – just as he should. But Michael saw a chance and attacked with delight, While Ben's dice rolled snake-eyes every fight! The dice turned traitor, the guns disappeared, Two Polish battalions were thoroughly cleared. Four batteries silenced, the outlook looked grim, The Commander-in-Chief was pulling his hair out for him! He pulled at the left, then he pulled at the right, "Ben, roll something decent, for God's sake, tonight!" But fate had decided to make Ben its clown, And every bad throw brought another hair down! [Chorus – Shouted] Roll, Ben, roll! For the love of the Crown! Stop making the General tear his hair down! Roll high! Roll high! Give the dice a command! Or we'll be retreating with no army left to stand! [Verse 4] Then Alasdair spotted a chance for glory, A Prussian charge – a magnificent story! Ben's Polish battalion was swept from the field, At last, a victory! A reason to yield? The swords flashed high, the Prussians cheered, One Polish battalion had disappeared. But while they celebrated their wonderful feat, The rest of the Poles still controlled the retreat! [Bridge – Faster, with pounding drums] Six turns! Six turns! The river is ours! We've stopped the enemy's finest powers! The ford is captured, the score looks great, Now where's the French army? Oh, they've left the state! Eight points for Poland, five for the foe, A fine little victory, a splendid show! But there's one small problem, one final flaw: We forgot to retreat – what a terrible law! [Final Chorus – Full Regiment, Loud and Fast] March, march, hold that river! Make those Prussian horses shiver! Eight points for Poland, five for the foe, We gave those Germans quite a show! Hold the ford and hold the line, Napoleon's escape was right on time! Three extra points? We had the plan, But nobody moved – not a single man! [Outro – Trumpets, Drums and a Loud Finale] Four batteries gone, three battalions too, But eight points to Poland – that'll have to do! The Austrians charged, the Prussians came, And somehow we still managed to win the game! LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT! A message from the Polish High Command: "Next time, Bonaparte, here's our advice: If you want us to retreat, give us more than six turns – AND BRING THE HORSES!" [Final Shout] ROLL, BEN, ROLL! AND SOMEBODY GET THE GENERAL A WIG!
