Call an Exorcist

My dog speaks fluent dinosaur Growls like a broken old lawnmower Sleeps all day in my sock drawer Wakes up tap-dancing on the floor He stares at walls like they’re TV Barks at a broomstick Winks at me Eats my homework Burps out ABCs I think he’s haunting all my cheese Call an exorcist My dog is weird He just licked gravity and disappeared (whoa-oh) Spinning on the ceiling Tail in knots Laughing like a gremlin in my socks Call an exorcist This can’t be right He’s doing creepy zoomies in the night But if they try to take him I’ll insist Keep the dog Forget the exorcist He fetches ghosts instead of sticks Plays chess with dust balls Wins in six Growls at my broccoli every time But shares his bones Says “That’s just fine” He howls along to spelling tests Wears my backpack like a vest Digs new tunnels under bed Claims it’s “portal stuff ” he said Call an exorcist My dog is weird He just licked gravity and disappeared (whoa-oh) Spinning on the ceiling Tail in knots Laughing like a gremlin in my socks Call an exorcist This can’t be right He’s doing creepy zoomies in the night But if they try to take him I’ll insist Keep the dog Forget the exorcist Is he cursed? Is he magic? Is he silly? Is it tragic? Kids all scream “Wow He’s rad!” Parents sigh “Okay That’s bad…” But when he cuddles up at three He’s just a weirdo Just like me (oh yeah) Call an exorcist My dog is weird He just licked gravity and disappeared (whoa-oh) Spinning on the ceiling Tail in knots Laughing like a gremlin in my socks Call an exorcist But here’s my twist He’s my spooky buddy Can’t resist (hey!) So if you come to fix him Don’t insist Teach us both to howl—and that is it