[refrigerator hum] [adding-machine key] Ashtray. Pill bottle. Folded laundry. Black animal with three yellow mouths. Twenty-dollar lamp. Forty-four million dollars. [cash drawer slams] Oh. Well that's new. Went to bed broke Woke up mathematically offensive Checking account looking like somebody's ransom got expensive Forty-four million three thousand one seventeen twenty-eight Refresh. Still there. Refresh. Still there. [whispers] Don't. Do it. It's yours. It's bait. Forty-four million. Prison. EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR FIVE MINUTES. [silence] Thank you. [heavy crooked groove] DID YOU GET THE MONEY? [group] DID YOU GET THE MONEY? I GOT THE NUMBER. [group] THAT AIN'T WHAT WE ASKED. DID YOU GET THE MONEY? For about an hour. Nine screenshots in four minutes Battery eighteen Charger bent against a mug Private Distribution Seventeen Zero Floor Trust Status settled [group] SETTLED. Forty-four million under yesterday's groceries Makes the whole room look guilty Desk lamp got expensive Laundry got expensive Fridge still empty Million-dollar kitchen Pool in back I don't even swim. New teeth. Doctor. Studio at two A.M. Future opened every door at once. [whisper] Spend one dollar and they'll put you in prison. That one has precedent. [rotary phone] [cheap hold music] Your call is important to us. Apparently not forty-four-million-dollars important. [telephone click] Tell me if something in my checking account is real. What are you seeing? Forty-four million dollars. [hold music stops] I'm sorry? Yeah. That's approximately my response too. If I expected forty-four million I'd have been awake at nine-fourteen. Please don't move the funds. Wasn't planning to. I don't give full PINs over the phone. I didn't ask. I know. Boundary early. [bank voice laughs] Got her. [band returns] DID YOU GET THE MONEY? [group] BANK SAID YES. DID YOU GET THE MONEY? [group] BANK SAID WAIT. DID YOU GET THE MONEY? I DIDN'T TOUCH SHIT. Then— Gone. [all instruments cut] Forty-four million dollars. Gone. Not spent. Not moved. Just— Whoop. [slide whistle into bass] Back to regular broke. Except now broke knows what the penthouse looks like. [knock] Few days later mail shows up Between grocery coupons and pharmacy shit Heavy cream envelope color of old teeth [paper unfolds] First line: DID YOU GET THE MONEY? [band erupts] DID YOU GET THE MONEY? [group] WE KNOW THE AMOUNT. DID YOU GET THE MONEY? [group] WE KNOW THE TIME. Nine-fourteen A.M. Forty-four million two thousand seventy-four dollars eleven cents Settled. No mistake. [organ crashes] THE MONEY WAS REAL. [group] REAL. THE MONEY WAS MINE. [group] MINE. THE BANK TOOK THE MONEY. [group] WHERE'D IT GO? THAT'S THE FUCKING SHOW. [cash-register rhythm] KNOWN: Money appeared. Screenshots exist. I didn't move it. Money disappeared. [group] KNOWN! KNOWN! KNOWN! Where'd it go? [group] UNKNOWN! Secret vampire inheritance. No. Vampires would invest better. [laughter] Put that under asshole theories. [drum break] Then the bank froze the money I had BEFORE the money. Hold on. They took forty-four million then froze my thousand because I had forty-four million they already took? [silence] That sentence cannot leave this room. Then fix the sentence. [band slams] Eggs. Bread. Coffee. Frozen burritos. Cereal. [scanner beeps] DECLINED. Again. DECLINED. Apparently forty-four million dollars has affected my creditworthiness. Seven dollars cash and a frozen pizza getting emotionally attached. [group] TOO RICH FOR MILK! They offered five hundred dollars. If you're gonna apologize with money USE ENOUGH ZEROES TO COMMUNICATE. [group] ZERO! ZERO! ZERO! ZERO! I get the expensive cereal. Absolutely not. Damn. [groove strips down] Later I ordered pizza. Five ninety-nine delivery fee. Fuck it. Extra cheese. [applause] DID YOU GET THE MONEY? [group] NOT YET. DID YOU GET THE MONEY? [group] ASK AGAIN. [toast pops] Two days later. Same desk. Same cheap room. Same toast. New app. Total portfolio: forty-four million one hundred twenty-eight thousand six hundred three and nine cents. [long silence] You see it? Yeah. It's mine? Yes. Mine mine? Yes. [quiet laugh] DID YOU GET THE MONEY? Yeah. [group] YEAH? I GOT THE FUCKING MONEY. [room erupts] DID YOU GET THE MONEY? [group] HE GOT THE MONEY! FORTY-FOUR MILLION! [group] AND CHANGE! Don't forget the change. [group] RICH-PERSON DUST! [cash drawer slams] [hold music returns] Your call is important to us. Now it fucking is. [disconnect] [end]
