[Intro - timpani roll, big brass stab, spoken theatrical] Ladies and gentlemen... the man has not changed his pants in three seasons. But he did change his charms. God help us all. [Verse 1 - rapid patter] Now Greg was a fella of a regular size, a mustache, a six-pack, and unremarkable eyes, no shirt, just some pants and a thousand-yard stare, a buff little cop with regular hair— but he popped off the old charms and he swapped in the new, a set they call COLOSSAL (oh, what's it do?) Well it cranks up his damage by six hundred percent— AND it doubled his height like a circus event! [Pre-Chorus - building, gang chant] He's big! (how big?) He's COLOSSAL, baby! Head in the rafters, the man's gone crazy! Six hundred percent and a twelve-foot frame— same dumb grin, but a whole new game! [Chorus - huge theatrical, gang vocals] COLOSSAL! (Greg!) — he's a mountain with a mustache! COLOSSAL! (Greg!) — watch the whole arena turn to ash! He don't aim, he don't think, he don't even know your name— he just got HUGE and he set the world aflame! (Co-loss-al! Co-loss-al!) [Verse 2 - rapid, faster] And his dust devils? Honey, those days are gone, those teeny little whirlies that he used to spawn— now each one's a DIRE TORNADO, an F5 beast, a spinnin' wall of doom headin' WEST and EAST, they're rippin' up the Helltide, they're eatin' the map, the Blood Maiden took ONE look and she took a nap, he spins ONE time and the screen goes white, a hundred dire tornados in the dead of night! [Pre-Chorus - frantic] 'Cause he's big! (how big?) Like a STORM with a face! He swapped some jewelry and he broke the place! Six hundred percent of a giant's swing— and the man does not understand a single thing— [Chorus] COLOSSAL! (Greg!) — he's a mountain with a mustache! COLOSSAL! (Greg!) — watch the whole arena turn to ash! He don't aim, he don't think, he don't even know your name— he just got HUGE and he set the world aflame! [Bridge - half-time, theatrical throughline] Now allow me to examine the chain of events: the man changed a charm — that's the whole suspense — he did not get smarter, he did not get a plan, he just rolled the right accessory and became... a TITAN, man. [Female - sultry, dry] "...he can't fit through the door anymore." [Male - spoken] He doesn't NEED the door, woman. He IS the door. [building] So lift him up, the colossus, the king— a twelve-foot idiot who don't feel a thing— [Final Chorus - key up, biggest] COLOSSAL! (Greg!) — he's a GOD in a pair of jeans! COLOSSAL! (Greg!) — the biggest dummy you've ever seen! He don't aim, he don't think, he don't even know your name— he just got HUGE and he set the world aFLAME! (Six hundred percent! — CO-LOSS-AL!) [Outro - spoken, then sung button] We had to raise the ceilings. We had to widen the halls. Greg said... "...spin?" Yeah, buddy. Spin. (Co-loss-al!) [End]
