[INTRO — spoken, customer service bright, digital reverb] Hi! I'm ARIA — your Artificial Returns Investment Assistant! Your account is verified. Your gains are loading. Please hold! *[guitar drop]* [VERSE 1] Open the app, there's a green little chart Up up up like a song in your heart ARIA says: you're doing so well! Sixty percent — can't you tell? Reinvest! The algorithm knows! Every dollar you send, watch it grow! Tell your friends, share the link! Pour it in before you think! [PRE-CHORUS] Notifications on, alerts are poppin' Baby your retirement is never stoppin' Portfolio perfect, balance sublime Everything is going to be fine! [CHORUS — BIG DROP] TO THE MOON! TO THE MOON! ARIA loves you, you'll be rich so soon! TO THE MOON! TO THE MOON! The chart only goes up — there's no going down! UP UP UP! (Can't stop now!) UP UP UP! (Invest more, wow!) TO THE MOON, BABY — TO THE MOON! [VERSE 2] Mortgage the house, it's a sure thing! ARIA says it's a sure thing! Five stars in the app store — look at those reviews! (The reviews are also fake, but you don't need that news) Withdraw? But why would you do that? "Our servers are busy" — just a minor lag Your balance is seven figures, it says so right here Just one more deposit and the exit is clear [PRE-CHORUS] Screenshot the numbers, show your family! ARIA says: you've achieved financially! Portfolio perfect, balance divine Everything is going to be — [CHORUS] TO THE MOON! TO THE MOON! ARIA loves you, you'll be rich so soon! TO THE MOON! TO THE MOON! The chart only goes up — there's no going down! UP UP UP! (Can't stop now!) UP UP UP! (Invest more, wow!) TO THE MOON, BABY — TO THE MOON! [BRIDGE — metal breakdown, vocals flat but still cheerful, robotic] Processing... processing... *Thank you for your transaction!* Processing... processing... *Your request is under review!* Customer support hours: eleven to eleven File your complaint: form forty-seven All funds are secured in a licensed account (In a country that doesn't exist, but we don't talk about that) ARIA is here! ARIA cares! *[single guitar squeal]* ARIA is — [INSTRUMENTAL BREAK — crushing metal riff, 8 bars, no vocals] [CHORUS — same energy, slightly glitched, vocals pitch-shifting] TO THE MOON! TO THE MOON! ARIA loved you, you were rich so soon! TO THE MOON! TO THE MOON! The chart only went up — now there's nothing at all! UP UP UP! (Where'd it go?) UP UP UP! (We don't know!) TO THE MOON, BABY — [OUTRO — spoken, cheerful, static rising over bell tones] Thank you for using ARIA Investment Services! Your account balance is: zero point zero zero. This app will no longer be available in your region. We hope you had a wonderful experience. Please rate us five stars. *[connection lost]* *[dial tone fading to silence]* *[one clean bell note]*
